When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do?

And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.

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What's the difference between a vegan, a crossfit instructor, and a psychological test subject?

The test subject is the only one you'd willingly ask to "tell us about yourself."

What personal question is not obvious yet nobody has ever needed to ask anyone?

Are you vegan?

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What kind of bug wants to buy lawn turf?

A gras shopper.

What do you get when you buy a $5 umbrella?

Wet.

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What gets louder if you enter it from one end, but quieter if you enter it from the other?

A howler monkey.

What did the snake say to the cornered rat?

Hiss is the end of the line for you!

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What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.

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When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do?

And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.