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What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?

Sleep on the sofa.

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Bed Jokes More Bed Jokes

What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?

Me neither. Help.

How do you know when you are in bed with a witch?

She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas!

Find Jokes More Find Jokes

What did the atheist say when he found himself at the Pearly Gates the day he died?

Well I'll be damned!

How do you find a blind man at a nudist colony?

It's not hard

Sleep Jokes More Sleep Jokes

What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?

He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.

Why do police officers sleep with two rocks near their bed?

With one he turns off the light, With the other he checks if the window is closed

Sofa Jokes More Sofa Jokes

Why did the woman turn to her husband and say "now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?

She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.

Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?

Because they're both full of stuffing!

500 Pound Jokes More 500 Pound Jokes

What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?

Sleep on the sofa.

What does a 500 pound parakeet say?

TWEET!!!