Why did I join Twitter?

Well I was sick of only being hated by coworkers and family so I wanted to branch out.

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Want Jokes More Want Jokes

Where do you want to be buried?

Me: You mean after I die, right

What did the pot-smoking alien say when asked what toppings he wanted on his sammich?

Ayy lil' mayo.

Join Jokes More Join Jokes

Why did Shakespeare refuse to join the army?

He didn't like the phrase fire at will!

Why did the acronym buff decide to go join the etymologists instead?

He heard they had PIE.

Hate Jokes More Hate Jokes

Why does the farmer hate his job?

Because he has a deep-seeded hatred for planting.

Why did the dyslexic, Russian astronomer hate the revolution?

He was following the Tsar.

Family Jokes More Family Jokes

What do a car, a bus, and a family have in common?

The car and the bus both have wheels.

What's the difference between a guitarist and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four

Twitter Jokes More Twitter Jokes

Why doesn't Pac-Man use Twitter?

Because he doesn't like being followed.

What did I do before Twitter?

Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY!!

Branch Jokes More Branch Jokes

What branch of the military are horses in?

The NaaaaayyyVY

Why did I join Twitter?

Well I was sick of only being hated by coworkers and family so I wanted to branch out.

Coworker Jokes More Coworker Jokes

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I'm the guy that asks, "So, what did she say?

I'm funny that way.

What are sloths?

Wrong, What are coworkers