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Twitter Jokes

Why doesn't Pac-Man use Twitter?

Because he doesn't like being followed.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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Everyday Deserves a Joke

What do Twitter users and lollipops have in common?

They're mostly Dum Dums.

What do Twitter users and regular humans have in common?

Both start off as eggs.

What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

What's the different between Twitter and Game of Thrones?

Twitter has a character limit

Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease?

Because the condition was untweetable.

How many retweets to let me take your sister to prom?

A student walks up to his friend a week before prom and asks, "Hey, how many Twitter retweets do i have to get to take your sister to prom?" His friend says, "Dude, she was abducted! She's been missing 3 weeks, you know this!" The student says, "So you're saying if i find her, i can take her?"

Why was Game of Thrones banned from twitter?

Because twitter has an 140 character limit.

Whats the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

Twitter only allows 160 characters

What's the difference between Twitter and Game of Thrones?

Twitter only allows 140 characters.

Why don't Game of Thrones characters tweet with Twitter?

They were ravin' with Raven.

Birthday State of Mind

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Birthday State of Mind

Why did I join Twitter?

Well I was sick of only being hated by coworkers and family so I wanted to branch out.

What did I do before Twitter?

Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY!!

What's the rule for Twitter crushes?

So far I'm in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

How is Twitter like Game of Thrones?

There's 140 characters, and they are all terrible.

Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

Why are Twitter jokes not as funny when you read them aloud to a friend?

It's not like they had to be there...

Where're you going?

Me: To dinner with my friends! Mom: Your friends Me: I'm going to use McDonalds' free Wifi to get on twitter...

Why does Brendon Rodgers hate Twitter?

It only allows 140 characters

Whatcha doing?

Me: "Going on twitter to hang out." H: "Twitter is an app, not a place." Me: *whispers venomously* "Is too a place!!"

What do you do at a red light?

Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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Your Age Is Only Math

Who are all these people Twitter wants me to follow?

Has the fail whale been stalking me. Help, stranger danger!

What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter?

The rogue one

What is twitter?

3. Twitter is beautiful. 4. What is life

What is your sin, my child?

Me: Twitter. Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time...

When asked, 'Are you Twittering?

If I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.

Why did voldermort used Twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he only had followers. Not friends.

What do you get when you sleep with all 140 characters of twitter?

A rashtag.

What's the difference between a Twitter post and a Russian Novel?

A Twitter post is limited to 140 characters

How do Baroque composers tweet?

Through their twitter Handel!..... I am so sorry

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Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

Why do people procrastinate?

I'll tell you later.

What does a fish say when he hits concrete?

Dam! A customer told me that joke, equipped with an " old guys rule" shirt and a hardy fist bump.

Hang Jokes More Hang Jokes

What's black and white stinks and hangs from a line?

A drip dry skunk.

Where do all the funny people hang out at a party?

In the punch line

Look Jokes More Look Jokes

Why do some fish always look high?

Because of all the seaweed.

What did David Crockett say when he looked over the Alamo wall and saw 3000 Mexicans?

Hey I didn't know we were pouring concrete today.

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

Why do happy people like to sleep in late?

Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.

Why bother drinking water?

You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.

Condition Jokes More Condition Jokes

Why didn't the doctor use Twitter to tell the patient that he had a deadly disease?

Because the condition was untweetable.

Why did nVidia built the first self-driving car?

On all conditions) Because their drivers keep crashing.

Sort Jokes More Sort Jokes

What the hell is this REstraining Order?

I never even got a Straining Order I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

Why can't random men check random women's breasts for cancel?

Because that sort of information is on a knead to know basis.

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

When Does This White Privilege Thing Kick In?

Do I have to ask them to resend the authentication email, update my address or do I have to go to my local white privilege depot to request the trial edition of white privilege before I get the real thing?

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?

Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".

Reply Jokes More Reply Jokes

How do you feel?

Asks the fluoride ion. "Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied.

What'll it be, love?

The woman replies, "I'll take a double entendre." So he gave it to her.