Today Jokes

What are you gonna do today?

Me: Shower. W: ...what else M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

What did Daniel Boone say to Davey Crocket when thousands of Mexicans charged at them at the Alamo?

Davey.... are we pouring concrete today

How would you like your school girls today, Mr. Holmes?

Elementary, my dear Watson.

What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?

BART: I don't know where my hair starts

What do you call a shoe with no grip?

A slipper. (Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)

Why is the Math Book so sad?

It has so many problems! -Sorry doing a whole bunch of math today and i thought of this.

Why are you not laughing?

Cos I'm quitting today.

What do you call electricity still flowing today?

Current.

How the fight started Wife: Going for a walk, do you want anything?

Me: How about a newspaper. Wife: OK, which one Me: Today's.

What is the recipe for honeymoon salad?

Lettuce alone, without dressing. I remembered this today from a joke book I had when I was a kid. Wasn't sure if it should be here or /r/dadjokes

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It'll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait Boss: Today!

What should I tell him?

Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."

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Joke Jokes More Joke Jokes

Why does everybody else get the brunt of the jokes?

Let me hear something different.

What subject did Dracula major in during college?

AcCOUNTing This joke must be on a popsicle stick somewhere.

Road Jokes More Road Jokes

Why did the strawberry cross the road?

There was a traffic jam.

Why did the apple cross the road?

To get to the other cider.

Tear Jokes More Tear Jokes

Why did the lawyer with a torn ACL still win the marathon?

OC) Because he had the power of a torn knee

What's the difference between a wealthy man wearing a tux and riding a bike and a hobo in torn jeans and shirt riding a unicycle?

Attire.

Dog Jokes More Dog Jokes

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 5 drinks

What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing?

Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog

Work Jokes More Work Jokes

What do you say when your GIF doesn't work?

You get the picture.

What do hard-working grocery store clerks get every year?

A celery increase.

Student Jokes More Student Jokes

Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself?

He was already suspended.

Why are you Late Today?

Teacher: Why are you Late Today? Student: Because of sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Student: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

What did Han Solo say when Leia asked for help with a crossword clue?

I don't know

What are they gonna do?

Ask you to extinguish your celery Doubtful.

Wear Jokes More Wear Jokes

Why do Canadian cops not need to wear body cameras?

Because Tim Hortons already has cameras!

Whoa! Dude! Why is Judge Judy in my house?

And why is she wearing my underpants