On the left side there's nothing right and on the right side there's nothing left...
I'm not coming into work today
I put the wrong socks on today.
Google Fiber Note: Randomly came up with this joke today
Post.
Define intervention." Came up with this today at work.
He'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, "Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!"
Germany/Brazil/2016
Health insurance
All Fridays Matter
A man with a gun can rob a bank. A man with a bank can rob the world. (Disclaimer: reword of someone else's post to FB today.)
7-1. (World Cup)
Not today.
His ears! Yes, this is a real joke I got from a Laffy Taffy wrapper today, not 30 years ago. I did not laugh.
A student used to give his teacher some raisins everyday. He kept giving them for 3 months straight. Then one day he did not give raisins to his teacher. And his teacher asked him "Where are the raisins today?", and the boy said "My rabbit died."
Abraham Lincoln.
May the forth be with you
My supply was short.
Because he bumped his head on the low-way! I guess we're doing 4 year old's jokes today
My you're looking "acute" today.
Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
Micro-Worgenisms! (From my Bizzard support ticket response today.)
Clawing at the inside of her coffin.
Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.
He was stoned
Cause it couldn't get on the right track. I made that joke when I was little and remembered it today, might as well post it.
Peace and carrots... Thought this up at work today. I'm sure it's been done before but it made me chuckle...
A Brazillion...
It's After Earth Day.
I am a ski instructor and I've recently been teaching these two boys who are 6 and 8 year old brothers. I realized today that I know zero jokes appropriate enough or funny to this demographic. I feel like they think I am super boring. Give me some help to make the chairlift more exciting!!
Cause it was stuck to the chicken. I heard that on the radio today. I LOLed.
The posters.
Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share
I was just wondering about how many jokes today maybe irrelevant 100 years into the future. To test this theory, what are the oldest recorded jokes?
Because he told everyone to march fourth.
Who wants to know?.... saw this joke in today's
BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!! I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.
Scratching at the lid of his coffin.
Cuz if it were lying down it wouldnt make any sense. (first post to reddit, made up this joke today.. be kind)
Hey I didn't know we were pouring concrete today.
Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)
2nd April. Ha!! April fool!
Dingo: I'm making my famous baby coleslaw
Student: Me Ma'am! Me! Teacher: Ok Pedro! What is science Student: science is our Lesson for today.
I accidentally put on the wrong sock today....
Harambe: May I get a martini Me: Just ice for Harambe. Harambe: Just ice Me: Justice for Harambe.
A May bee.
Son: I don't know they haven't taught us how to read yet!
They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember. Apparently she learned bribery.
The posters
Checks fly* *no pants* Aaaah.
Not enough I have to go back tomorrow!
THIS gu
Little Banana: Because I didn't peel well.
2: 'Well, I think I can really push my limits' 1: 'Oh right, are you sure ' 2: 'I'm definite'.
It was Friday only a few hours ago...
Because he didn't have the balls!
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet
Red carpet question with "Cocaine and sit ups." #GoldenGlobes
Book today but couldn't find one anywhere. Well played, Wally. Well played.
Force-kin My friend made this up today while talking about Star Wars.
He was undercover *!*
Bruno Mars: "When I see your faceeee" Girl: "Ok ok I get it."
I don't know, this is the first time I've logged onto Reddit, today.
OC "They flip burgers for profit!" Just thought of this at a baseball game today, kinda quirky and simple!
Trying to get out of his grave.
The parrot says, "Africa." (I don't know if you know this one, but I just heard it today)
Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit, thought i'd share it
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine"
His boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming to work today."
Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Today we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.
Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
"Today children we will learn our ABC's"
A Hic. ----- wife hit me with this one today. Remove the n. E. C. And k. From chicken and it spells hic. I'm sorry Reddit.
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.
They both ain't got the same Seoul.
Anthrax.
Alphabet Soup.
Cuz it's 10-4 GOOD BUDDY!!!
Because today's April full!
Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
You pull down their gene's and have a look! Credit: I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.
Bean working very hard today!
Eight. And how old will you be on your next birthday Ten. Oh I don't think that's possible. Oh yes it is - I'm nine today.
Clawing at the lid of the coffin.
Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.
Tell them Ellen Pao has stepped down as of today!
Me: Tim.
Me: Shower. W: ...what else M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.
Elementary, my dear Watson.
Scratching at the inside of his coffin.
BART: I don't know where my hair starts
A slipper. (Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)
It has so many problems! -Sorry doing a whole bunch of math today and i thought of this.
Cos I'm quitting today.
Current.
Me: How about a newspaper. Wife: OK, which one Me: Today's.
Lettuce alone, without dressing. I remembered this today from a joke book I had when I was a kid. Wasn't sure if it should be here or /r/dadjokes
Me: It'll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait Boss: Today!
Long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now
A clamboni driver!
Some days the wind doesn't blow.
Because everyone over there is doing IT!
Because she grew out of her B shells.
Denim Denim Denim Denim Denim Denim Deniiiiim
Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone!
To get another Golden Globe. Tina Fey walks into the Tina Fey,the Tina Fey asks "How can i Tina Fey you?to which Tina Fey reply,"Ah just give me a Tina Fey" and then leaves with a Golden Globe. Unbreakable is good.
Will you envelope with me? (I know its Corny, but it makes me chuckle.)
You ask an informer
THEY BOTH LICK THEIR PAWS!
Submitting a stool sample.
When your candy jar is filled with Tums..... My wife just came up with that one... Birthday is next week.. Ugh
Because he saw the snowblower coming
Spent too much time figuring out the Engels, so he didnt get the Marx.... thats what he gets for Stalin
