When asked, 'Are you Twittering?

If I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.

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Look Jokes More Look Jokes

What Did The Jumbo Shrimp Say To The Jumbo Crab?

Looks like you've got me in a pinch.

What products do you use for grooming?

She asked me. Her face looked quite taken aback when I said, "Facebook"

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

Who does Luke Skywalker ask to charge his lightsaber?

Char-Jar Binks

What makes fish smell?

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."

Twitter Jokes More Twitter Jokes

What is your sin, my child?

Me: Twitter. Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time...

What's the rule for Twitter crushes?

So far I'm in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Phone Jokes More Phone Jokes

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

How many photos of Kanye West do you suppose Kanye West has on his phone?

More than 1,000

Sort Jokes More Sort Jokes

Why was the programmer unhappy at his job?

He wanted arrays. It had to be reiterated several times before it was sorted out.

What the hell is this REstraining Order?

I never even got a Straining Order I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

Reply Jokes More Reply Jokes

How much for 2 children?

She replied, "$9.50." "Awesome!" I said. "Do I get to choose or is it a lucky dip "

Why did you do that?

I replied,"That's what you're supposed to do in soccer, right Kick balls "

Tweet Jokes More Tweet Jokes

What's in a tweet?

That which you call your bowel movement, by any other tweet is still an odious hot mess.

Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?

Disney's Frozen I paused the movie to tweet this...