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When asked, 'Are you Twittering?

If I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.

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Look Jokes More Look Jokes

What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight?

Don't look I'm changing!!

Why are the waiters in here so nasty?

Waiter: Look at who they have to serve.

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me: GO TO SLEEP.

What are the similarities between feminists and hobos?

They both ask for change and never get any.

Twitter Jokes More Twitter Jokes

What do you get when you sleep with all 140 characters of twitter?

A rashtag.

What did I do before Twitter?

Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY!!

Phone Jokes More Phone Jokes

What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?

A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.

What's the longest you've ever stared at your phone without glancing up to look at the road while driving?

For me it's three weeks.

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What sort of dance do fish do at parties?

The conga!

Who do you think I am?

Some sort of karate expert I can't even open a Cheetos bag.

Reply Jokes More Reply Jokes

Why must you question everything I say!?

Everything " I replied

Where I should put my pants?

He replied "Over there next to mine."

Tweet Jokes More Tweet Jokes

Why did the bird go to the restaurant?

Tweet!

How do you guys tweet from the toilet?

I poop with both hands.