News Jokes

What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea?

Getting the news from your dentist

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Whats the difference between news of the US elections and Madeleine McCann?

News of the elections is getting old.

Who reads the news AND makes coffee?

Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)

What do Tim Cook and the iPhone 6 Plus have in common?

They both made the news for not being straight.

How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err...

Where does a redditor get most of his news from?

The Hydraulic Press

Where is 5?

Student: Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

Why does the news keep telling people the pilot was depressed?

Does any of this really matter...

Did you hear the news?

FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

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Blow Jokes More Blow Jokes

How do you make a candle really happy...?

Blow it out, it'll be delighted

Why did the duck cross the basketball court?

He heard the referees were blowing fouls... -Jim Norton

Bear Jokes More Bear Jokes

Why did the woman turn to her husband and say "now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?

She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.

What do you call a bear that can't win?

A Chicago Bear

Travel Jokes More Travel Jokes

What can walk over the water, but can travel under the water without getting wet?

Jesus in a submarine.

How did you travel such a distance so fast?

I went through a wormhole." Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

Polar Bear Jokes More Polar Bear Jokes

Whats the most politically divided animal?

The polar bear..

How do you get a polar bear in the water?

First, you cut a hole in the ice, then you sprinkle some pees around the hole. When the polar bear goes to take a pee, you kick him in the ice hole!

Break Jokes More Break Jokes

What do you do if an Elephant breaks his big toe?

Call a big toe truck.

What do you call a dwarf with a birth defect, is broke and can't drink milk?

Lack toes and tall or rent

Track Jokes More Track Jokes

What's the difference between a midget chess team and a ladies track team?

One is a group of cunning little runts.... the other is a group of running little C

What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

Forty feet of track - all straight!

Racehorse Jokes More Racehorse Jokes

What is the strongest animal?

A racehorse because it can take hundreds of people for a ride at once!

Why was the racehorse named Bad News?

Because bad news travels fast!

Gonorrhea Jokes More Gonorrhea Jokes

What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea?

Getting the news from your dentist

What do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up?

Slow clap.