Guarantee Jokes

Why are so many computer scientists atheists?

Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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How alcoholic is a drink that's guaranteed to get you drunk?

Fool proof!

Which space on a Battleship grid guarantees victory?

I1

What does MSG stand for?

Mandarin Service Guaranteed.

Who is guaranteed to win?

Society.

What is the 100% guaranteed way to get younger looking skin?

Believe in reincarnation.

What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?

Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back

What if weight loss supplements ads are just made by British people really transparently trying to scam you?

You'll lost 30 for only $42.82! Guaranteed.

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Believe Jokes More Believe Jokes

What religion does a drinking feline believe?

Cat-holic

Where is the lost city of Atlantis?

Lantis. I can't believe nobody has thought to look there yet.

White Christmas Jokes More White Christmas Jokes

How do you know it's going to be a white Christmas?

It's approaching with deceptive speed.

What is Martin Luther King's least favorite Christmas song?

I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

How my girlfriend stay's thin. Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin?

She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.

What does a child without arms get for x-mas?

Gloves! nah don't know, it hasn't opened the present yet

Victory Jokes More Victory Jokes

Which space on a Battleship grid guarantees victory?

I1

What's the best Pokémon in Pokémon go?

It's Victreebel if you go to a gym you will always get a victory with it.

Atheist Jokes More Atheist Jokes

What do you call a god who lacks self-confidence?

An atheist. He doesn't really believe in himself.

Why can't atheists solve exponential problems?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

Look Jokes More Look Jokes

Why is sorority row the safest place to be during a zombie invasion?

Cause the zombies are looking for braaaaaaaains

Who's a good girl?

WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

Double Jokes More Double Jokes

Why are the best accountants twins from Prague?

Because they always double Czech their work!

How can a can you double your money?

By folding it in half.

Lose Jokes More Lose Jokes

How did Jared lose 30 pounds?

He dumped his girlfriend.

Why did the lion lose at poker?

He was playing with a cheetah.