Christmas Jokes

What do you call a snowman who cons people?

A snowfake.

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How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

Why do computer programmers confuse Christmas with Halloween?

Because Dec 25 = Oct 31

What would've happened if Jesus Christ didn't make Christmas?

It would've just been "mas".

What am I not taking on Christmas this year?

Noels

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves. Just kidding he couldn't open it to find out

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

Why did the kids not receive presents for Christmas?

Because Rudolph intentionally grounded the team...

Where does the pirate shop for his kid for Christmas?

Toys Arrrrrrrrrrr Us

What did Pinocchio say to Rudolph when he asked him what he asked for Christmas?

Quit being nosey.

What does a cat in the desert and Christmas have in common?

They both have Sandy Claws.

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What did the guy without hands get for Christmas?

We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet

Why are informaticians always confusing the dates of Christmas and Halloween?

Because OCT 31 is the same as DEC 25.

What's Rick Grimes' favorite holiday?

Christmas, Carl

What did the little boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

Why did my family serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap for Christmas breakfast?

Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

What game do M Night Shymalan's family play at Christmas?

Secret Satan.

What is Soulja Boy's favorite type of Christmas song??

YUUUUUUUUUULLLEEE!!!!!!!!!

How does Trent Reznor's mom hang up his Christmas stocking?

With a Nine Inch Nail.

What did the homeless got for Christmas?

Hypothermia.

Why was Santa sacked two days before Christmas?

Elf and safety

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Why do people get divorced in the holiday season?

Because they Marry Christmas!

What did the snowman say when he got coal for Christmas?

I can see!

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Just kidding, he hasn't opened the box yet.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

What do you get a kid without arms for Christmas?

Gloves, but he doesn't know that yet.. since he can't open it.

Why can't you have Christmas dinner in the EU?

Because there is no Turkey

How did the Santa Lawn Ornament feel the day after Christmas?

He was de-lighted.

What's the best thing about having insomnia?

Only one nights sleep til Christmas!

Why did the Cephalopod get coal for Christmas?

Because he was on the nautilust.

What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration.

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks, I'll never part with it.

What does a writer hope to get in a Christmas cracker?

A Pull-it-surprise!

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

Where is the 'L' in Christmas?

There is noel

What did one Christmas ornament say to the other Christmas ornament?

Let's hang.

What is better than getting a N64 on Christmas?

Getting a N64 now

Who brings all the good little inclined plane girls and boys presents at Christmas?

Slanta Claus.

What is a dog's favorite Christmas song?

Fleas Navidad

Why was Kanye's Christmas gift to Kim spoiled?

Because he's a bad wrapper

What do electricians get for Christmas?

Shorts!

What did a blind French guy said he wanted for Christmas?

All I want for Christmas is yeux

What does a Mexican cop say when he wishes you a Merry Christmas?

Police Navidad.

Why did the German baker claim on his insurance at Christmas?

Because his bread was stollen!!!

Why didn't the tree get any presents for Christmas?

He was knotty.

What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?

COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What did Adam say to Eve on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

What do ducks do at Christmas time?

They Duckerate cookies....lol...

What does Tarzan sing at Christmas?

Jungle Bells

What is Pat Sajak's favorite Christmas carol?

No L

What did the Buddhist get for Christmas?

Presence.

What did the homeless guy get for Christmas?

Very, very hungry.

Why did the computer programmer put up his Christmas lights on Halloween?

He always gets DEC 25 and OCT 31 confused.

What does Santa and his elves listen to in their Christmas workshop?

WRAP MUSIC!

What do you get Devin Hester for Christmas??

Nothing - he'll just return it!

What did the boy with no legs and arms get for Christmas?

Cancer

Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkey - he's always stuffed!

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?

A Merry Christmas to ewe

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

What do you call a search engine that sings Christmas songs?

Michael google.

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?

Your teeth!

What do you get when you cross Christmas and a Duck?

A Christmas-Quacker!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

What do redditors give one another on Christmas?

Gifs.

What do you get when you mix the Twelve Days of Christmas with Ninety-nine Bottles of beer on the wall?

A year in prison if there's any justice.

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Christmas is over?

OC (please use your Ahnold voice) Hasta la vista, Baby....Jesus.

What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?

It was wound up already.

What kind of present did the armless boy get for Christmas?

Gloves. Jk he hasn't opened it yet!!

What will fall on the lawn first?

An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue

Why was the man allergic to Christmas?

Because it's the reason for the sneason.

What is the linguistic description of sentences like 'ho ho ho' and 'Merry Christmas'?

They are both santa clauses.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?

Jungle Bells Jungle bells..!

What's the difference between the standard alphabet and Christmas alphabet?

There's Noel.

What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas?

A ladder in her stocking!

What's a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment?

A phantomime!

Who's there! Census! Census who?

Census presents for Christmas!

What do you give a train driver for Christmas?

Platform shoes!

Why is your January report card so bad?

Son: Well you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas!

Why did the Christmas tree get thrown in prison?

Treeson.

What did the sea say to the shore?

Nothing, he just waved. Christmas crackers are the worst.

What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened his presents yet.

What will santa bring your fish this Christmas?

A scale letrix!

What happens to you at Christmas?

Yule be happy!

What does Eckhart Tolle get for Christmas?

Presence

What did the tv get for Christmas?

Replaced

What does a grumpy sheep say at Christmas?

Baaaaaahumbug

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents?

Santa Paws!

What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A pineapple

What did one eye say to the other eye?

Between you and me, something smells. Credit: Christmas cracker.

What does a Christmas tree do after Christmas?

It pines.

What will Tesla build this Christmas to help santa deliver presents?

An elf driving car

How does Snoop Dogg prepare for Christmas?

He raps his presents

Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?

Elephanta Claus!

What song do you sing if you're not a fan of Christmas?

Sigh-lent night

What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

Forty feet of track - all straight!

What did the ghost say on December 25th?

Scary Christmas!

Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?

He said it was too tight.

Why isn't Christmas spelled Christmals?

Because Noel.

What do you call a dog on the beach?

Sandy Claws.

What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?

Gee, you knit

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Why are Trees never invited to a formal dinner?

They only wear Trunks.

Why don't you invite a Comcast worker to your party?

Because nobody likes his company!

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Who you must not greet on a plane?

HI Jack!

How does a Redditor greet a woman from Kuala Lumpur?

M'alaydy

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What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scottish sheep farmer?

One says, 'Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!' The other says 'Hey! MacLeod! Get off of my ewe.'

What is the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer?

One says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!". The other says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!".

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What did one sheep say to the other?

Hey look, we have the same IPhone case

What did the sheep say when he saw his girlfriend?

Baaaaaeeeee!

Let Jokes More Let Jokes

What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?

Let us prey.

What did the car baby say to his car dad?

Hey dad, let's tell a joke for car ma!

Adam Jokes More Adam Jokes

Who were the first people not to read the apple ToC?

Adam and Eve

Why can't you trust an Adam?

They make up everything.

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Hang Jokes More Hang Jokes

What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out my underpants?

My mother.

Why don't people hang out with the mushroom?

He isn't a fungi.