Christmas Jokes

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws!

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What do Justin Beiber and Christmas trees have in common?

Their balls are only for decoration.

What do you want for Christmas?

Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend

Why didn't the string get anything for Christmas?

Because he was knotty!

What's a meth head's favourite thing about Halloween?

Only two more sleeps till Christmas!

Why does everyone start to fight the day after Christmas?

Because it's Boxing Day!

Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday. Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY! Me: It is if you go as Christmas. Boss:...

What do crack addicts sing while caroling?

All I Want for Christmas is my two front teeth!

What did the dyslexic kid say to his parents at Christmas?

I love Satan

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?

They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?

Grave-y!

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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How to cats greet each other at Christmas?

A furry Merry Christmas & Happy mew year"!

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?

Because they both have "Sandy claws"!

What do you give a kid with no hands for Christmas?

Doesnt matter, he'll never unwrap the gift

What's Nigel Farage's favourite Christmas song?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?

Chick to chick!

What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time?

Cross mouse cards!

Why do programmers think Halloween's the same as Christmas?

Because 31OCT == 25DEC (thank you very much)

What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask?

The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!

How much longer?

Did you bring any snacks They want $5 for M&M's! I wanna go home Is it over yet - me watching my kids Christmas pageant

What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?

A Wii fit

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What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?

Santapplause!

Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?

Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."

What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

What types of trees never get Christmas presents?

Knotty Pines.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

I dont know, hes still trying to kick it open.

What did the banker get for Christmas?

My 401k

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

I don't like sprouts!

How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter?

Tell her a joke at Christmas

What is the cow's holiday greeting?

Mooooory Christmas!

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?

MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

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What did Jamal get for Christmas?

Your Bike

Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment?

They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas

What does a drug addict and a child have in common?

They both want tablets for Christmas.

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 == Dec 25

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

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Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a vampire and a cookie?

You can't dip a vampire in your tea.

What's the difference between a herpes and jacuzzi?

I let women know that i have a jacuzzi

Guarantee Jokes More Guarantee Jokes

What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?

Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back

Who is guaranteed to win?

Society.

Ewe Jokes More Ewe Jokes

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish sheep herder?

One says, "hey, you! Get off my cloud!", and the other one says, "hey, McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"

What is the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer?

One says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!". The other says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!".

Dream Jokes More Dream Jokes

Why was the man at the cookout so happy?

He met the grill of his dreams.

What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams?

They lived hoppily ever after!

Ghost Jokes More Ghost Jokes

What do you call a ghost that loves soccer?

Ghoooooooooooooouuull!

Why did the little boy throw the linen off the bed when he saw a ghost?

He was scared sheetless.

Christmas Eve Jokes More Christmas Eve Jokes

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

What do you do if somebody dies Christmas Eve?

Wait 12 hours and have Christmas Mourning

Day Jokes More Day Jokes

Which day of the week do ghosts like best?

Moandays.

What day is /r/Jokes favorite?

Earth Day, it's all about recycling!

Sheep Jokes More Sheep Jokes

What are the three biggest lies an Oklahoma State fan tells?

I WON this belt buckle, I OWN that truck, and I swear to God I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

What Do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a Sheep?

A WOOLY JUMPER