Christmas Jokes

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Christmas is over?

OC (please use your Ahnold voice) Hasta la vista, Baby....Jesus.

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What does the nationalist sing at Christmas?

Jingo Bells.

What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?

It was wound up already.

What kind of present did the armless boy get for Christmas?

Gloves. Jk he hasn't opened it yet!!

What will fall on the lawn first?

An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue

Why was the man allergic to Christmas?

Because it's the reason for the sneason.

What is the linguistic description of sentences like 'ho ho ho' and 'Merry Christmas'?

They are both santa clauses.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?

Jungle Bells Jungle bells..!

What's the difference between the standard alphabet and Christmas alphabet?

There's Noel.

What's the best part of Christmas for Santa Clause?

He knows where all the naughty girls live #*()*

What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas?

A ladder in her stocking!

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What's a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment?

A phantomime!

Why do Mexicans make burritos?

So they can unwrap something for Christmas!

Who's there! Census! Census who?

Census presents for Christmas!

What do you give a train driver for Christmas?

Platform shoes!

Why is your January report card so bad?

Son: Well you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas!

What does Santa say when he meets your wife, your sister and your mother?

HO HO HO, Merry Christmas!

Why did the Christmas tree get thrown in prison?

Treeson.

What did the sea say to the shore?

Nothing, he just waved. Christmas crackers are the worst.

What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened his presents yet.

What will santa bring your fish this Christmas?

A scale letrix!

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What happens to you at Christmas?

Yule be happy!

What does Eckhart Tolle get for Christmas?

Presence

What did the tv get for Christmas?

Replaced

What did the little girl's parents want for Christmas?

A better son.

What does a grumpy sheep say at Christmas?

Baaaaaahumbug

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents?

Santa Paws!

What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A pineapple

What did one eye say to the other eye?

Between you and me, something smells. Credit: Christmas cracker.

What does a Christmas tree do after Christmas?

It pines.

What will Tesla build this Christmas to help santa deliver presents?

An elf driving car

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How does Snoop Dogg prepare for Christmas?

He raps his presents

What did the Mexican guy get for Christmas?

His verdict.

What did Piotr get for Christmas?

Your iPod!

Why didn't Timmy get his parents Christmas presents?

He's an orphan.

Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?

Elephanta Claus!

What song do you sing if you're not a fan of Christmas?

Sigh-lent night

What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

Forty feet of track - all straight!

What did the disappointed smoker get for Christmas?

Clothes but no cigar...

What DOESN'T Bruce want for Christmas from his ex?

A Krismas goose.

Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

What did the ghost say on December 25th?

Scary Christmas!

Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?

He said it was too tight.

What do you call Jamal's dad during Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years?

Hide n' Seek World Champion 2010-2016

Why isn't Christmas spelled Christmals?

Because Noel.

What do you call a dog on the beach?

Sandy Claws Merry Christmas

What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?

Gee, you knit

What did Dracula say at the Christmas party?

Fancy a bite

Who's there! Amory! Amory who?

Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year!

What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game?

Mean-opoly.

What do you get a body builder for Christmas?

A dictionary, so they get plenty of definition.

What did David Bowie want for Christmas?

Carrie Fisher.

What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song?

Oh comb all ye faithful'

What do homeless people get for Christmas?

Hypothermia.

What do Hispanic weeaboos say on Christmas?

Feliz NYAHHHH-vidad

How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?

I responded with, "How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you "

What does an orphan get for Christmas?

Really lonely.

What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God?

Eggnog-stic.

What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards?

Best vicious of the season

Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

What's a Mathematician's favourite Christmas pudding?

Yule ln!

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?

Ince pies!

What does a lion at the beach have in common with Christmas?

They both have Sandy Claws.

What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?

A pear. P.s. got this joke in a cracker. If anybody gets it can you please explain it. My family is stumped.

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?

They both drop their needles!

What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common?

They both have ornamental balls

What do elephants sing at Christmas?

Noel-ephants Noel-ephants...

Who sings "Love me tender" and makes Christmas toys?

Santa's little Elvis.

Why is it so cold at Christmas?

It's in Decembrrrrr.

What's the best part about being a meth addict?

3 sleeps 'til Christmas

What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas?

Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one.

Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?

Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"

What is robin going to get for Christmas?

An oviposition set

How does NASA organize their Christmas party?

They planet

How did the urologist ruin his Christmas?

OC He looked inside Santa's sack.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?

They both have ornamental balls.

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue. Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

What kind of cards do donkeys send out near Christmas?

Mule-tide greetings.

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?

Elephanta Claus!

What's a virgin's favorite Christmas song?

Single Bells

What do a Christmas tree and a sterile man have in common?

Their balls are for decoration only.

What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song?

Jungle bells.

What did Santa say when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend all together in the same room?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

What did Pitbull ask for Christmas?

Dolly.

What's the difference between modern pop and Christmas music?

One is 6 people singing 100 songs, the other is 100 people singing 6 songs.

What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Christmas?

A ghoul Yule!

What was Santa's Christmas-present for the kid with no hands?

New gloves for the cold days

What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?

Coincidence on 34th Street

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

What is another name for Santa's elves?

Subordinate Clauses! Merry Christmas everyone.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?

A pineapple!

What did the bad rapper get for Christmas?

J Coal

Who made this Christmas pudding?

Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it Elf-raising flour of course.

What did the strawberry say on December 25th?

Berry Christmas!

Why does Jay Z love Christmas?

Because he's the best wrapper alive.

Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?

Santa Clues.

What's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert?

Oh caaamel ye faithful.

Why cant programmers tell the difference between Christmas and Thanksgiving?

Because oct 31 = dec 25

What's Christmas called in England?

Yule Britannia!

Why didn't the child in the secret society get a present for Christmas?

He had been illumi-naughty

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What is Martin Luther King's least favorite Christmas song?

I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas

What would Martin Luther King be if he was white?

Alive. He would be alive.

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Why do programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?

Asks his wife. "31 black"

Sheep Jokes More Sheep Jokes

What does a sheep say after walking into a disgusting, dirty bar?

Ew.

How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

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How does a yoga instructor turn down an invite?

Namaste home tonight.

Why was Mussolini never invited to parties?

He was always fascistly late.

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What happened to the Milkman?

He drank all the milk.... makes sense no logically, yes!

Why was the milkman afraid on Christmas Eve?

Because of the Ghost of Christmas Pasteurisation.

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How alcoholic is a drink that's guaranteed to get you drunk?

Fool proof!

What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?

Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back

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What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

Stand back! I don't know how big it's going to get!

How do you know when you are going to drown in milk?

When it's past your eyes.

White Christmas Jokes More White Christmas Jokes

How do you know it's going to be a white Christmas?

It's approaching with deceptive speed.

What's Nigel Farage's favourite Christmas song?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.