Christmas Jokes

What did one eye say to the other eye?

Between you and me, something smells. Credit: Christmas cracker.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

$19.99

What does a Christmas tree do after Christmas?

It pines.

What will Tesla build this Christmas to help santa deliver presents?

An elf driving car

How does Snoop Dogg prepare for Christmas?

He raps his presents

What did the Mexican guy get for Christmas?

His verdict.

What did Piotr get for Christmas?

Your iPod!

Why didn't Timmy get his parents Christmas presents?

He's an orphan.

Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?

Elephanta Claus!

What song do you sing if you're not a fan of Christmas?

Sigh-lent night

What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

Forty feet of track - all straight!

What DOESN'T Bruce want for Christmas from his ex?

A Krismas goose.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

$19.99

What did the ghost say on December 25th?

Scary Christmas!

Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?

He said it was too tight.

Why isn't Christmas spelled Christmals?

Because Noel.

What do you call a dog on the beach?

Sandy Claws.

What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?

Gee, you knit

What did Dracula say at the Christmas party?

Fancy a bite

Who's there! Amory! Amory who?

Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year!

What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game?

Mean-opoly.

What do you get a body builder for Christmas?

A dictionary, so they get plenty of definition.

What did David Bowie want for Christmas?

Carrie Fisher.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

$19.99

What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song?

Oh comb all ye faithful'

What do homeless people get for Christmas?

Hypothermia.

What do Hispanic weeaboos say on Christmas?

Feliz NYAHHHH-vidad

How can you celebrate Christmas if you don't believe in God?

I responded with, "How can you celebrate Valentine's Day if nobody loves you "

What does an orphan get for Christmas?

Really lonely.

What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God?

Eggnog-stic.

What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards?

Best vicious of the season

Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

What's a Mathematician's favourite Christmas pudding?

Yule ln!

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?

Ince pies!

What does a lion at the beach have in common with Christmas?

They both have Sandy Claws.

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?

They both drop their needles!

What does a Christmas tree and a monk have in common?

They both have ornamental balls

What do elephants sing at Christmas?

Noel-ephants Noel-ephants...

Who sings "Love me tender" and makes Christmas toys?

Santa's little Elvis.

Why is it so cold at Christmas?

It's in Decembrrrrr.

What's the best part about being a meth addict?

3 sleeps 'til Christmas

What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas?

Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one.

Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?

Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"

What is robin going to get for Christmas?

An oviposition set

How does NASA organize their Christmas party?

They planet

How did the urologist ruin his Christmas?

OC He looked inside Santa's sack.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?

They both have ornamental balls.

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?

A Barbecue. Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.

What kind of cards do donkeys send out near Christmas?

Mule-tide greetings.

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?

Elephanta Claus!

What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song?

Jungle bells.

What did Pitbull ask for Christmas?

Dolly.

What's the difference between modern pop and Christmas music?

One is 6 people singing 100 songs, the other is 100 people singing 6 songs.

What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Christmas?

A ghoul Yule!

What was Santa's Christmas-present for the kid with no hands?

New gloves for the cold days

What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?

Coincidence on 34th Street

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

What is another name for Santa's elves?

Subordinate Clauses! Merry Christmas everyone.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?

A pineapple!

What did the bad rapper get for Christmas?

J Coal

Who made this Christmas pudding?

Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it Elf-raising flour of course.

What did the strawberry say on December 25th?

Berry Christmas!

Why does Jay Z love Christmas?

Because he's the best wrapper alive.

Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?

Santa Clues.

What's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert?

Oh caaamel ye faithful.

What's Christmas called in England?

Yule Britannia!

Why didn't the child in the secret society get a present for Christmas?

He had been illumi-naughty

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws!

What do Justin Beiber and Christmas trees have in common?

Their balls are only for decoration.

What do you want for Christmas?

Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend

Why didn't the string get anything for Christmas?

Because he was knotty!

What's a meth head's favourite thing about Halloween?

Only two more sleeps till Christmas!

Why does everyone start to fight the day after Christmas?

Because it's Boxing Day!

Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday. Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY! Me: It is if you go as Christmas. Boss:...

What did the dyslexic kid say to his parents at Christmas?

I love Satan

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?

They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?

Grave-y!

How to cats greet each other at Christmas?

A furry Merry Christmas & Happy mew year"!

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?

Because they both have "Sandy claws"!

What's Nigel Farage's favourite Christmas song?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?

Chick to chick!

What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time?

Cross mouse cards!

Why do programmers think Halloween's the same as Christmas?

Because 31OCT == 25DEC (thank you very much)

What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask?

The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?

Santapplause!

What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

What types of trees never get Christmas presents?

Knotty Pines.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

I dont know, hes still trying to kick it open.

What did the banker get for Christmas?

My 401k

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

I don't like sprouts!

How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter?

Tell her a joke at Christmas

What is the cow's holiday greeting?

Mooooory Christmas!

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?

MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment?

They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 == Dec 25

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

You might also enjoy:

Merry Christmas Jokes More Merry Christmas Jokes

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

What does a Mexican cop say when he wishes you a Merry Christmas?

Police Navidad.

Christmas Alphabet Jokes More Christmas Alphabet Jokes

What's the difference between the standard alphabet and Christmas alphabet?

There's Noel.

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

Kobe Bryant Jokes More Kobe Bryant Jokes

What do Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and LeBron James have in common that led to their success in the NBA?

Hard work and dedication.

What is the difference between Christmas music and Kobe Bryant?

Christmas music will still be playing next year.

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?

Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!

Why did the boy want to see a thunder storm in Greece?

Because Greece lightening

Happen Jokes More Happen Jokes

Knock knock. Who's there? Benny. Benny who?

Benny thing happening!

What happens when an egg laughs?

He cracks up

Sheep Jokes More Sheep Jokes

What are the two biggest lies in Wyoming?

My truck is paid for, and honestly officer, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.

What do you call sheep in the Middle East?

Arak of lamb

French Jokes More French Jokes

How does Homer Simpson say watermelon in French?

Melon D'OH

What did one dehydrated French guy say to the other?

What do we do now, Pierre

Ghost Jokes More Ghost Jokes

How do you date a ghost?

You 'WOOOO' him!

Who do ghosts worship?

Boo, DUH!!!