Bad News Jokes

Which do you want to hear first?

Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Michael: The good news. Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.

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What's the worst news for a NASCAR driver before a race?

The track is alright.

Why can't you give bad news to someone on the Moon?

It lacks gravity.

What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.

How's my cat, Doc?

Vet: I have good news and bad news..

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

Why was the racehorse named Bad News?

Because bad news travels fast!

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What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.

What goes Black-White, Black-White, Black-White?

A panda bear rolling down a hill.

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How do you know if someone has been to Florida?

They'll tell you.

Whats the difference between a shower thought and a joke?

I don't know you tell me.

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What TV personality lives in your phone?

SIM Card-ashian! (it might help if you say it out loud)

Where do cows like to live?

St. Moo-is.

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What is the extreme limit of laziness?

Son "Having an adopted son."

Why did the cultists adopt a dead child?

They wanted to raise the dead.

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What do you call it when Paul scores?

Paulinating.

What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming?

Paul stop monkeying around!

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Who's there! Brighton! Brighton who?

Brighton-der the light of the moon!

What would a Scotsman call a mountain which is on the moon?

A moon-tain.

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What's the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer...

What's the easiest way to get gum out of your hair?

Cancer

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What do you call a polar bear who works for Fox News?

A bad news bear