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Bear Jokes

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Bare Grylls

We've Got This Love Thing Down

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We've Got This Love Thing Down

What would Mario's name be if he was born in Canada?

Sorry-o And his brother: Luig-eh?

How are baby androids born?

From their mother's computerus.

Why do American bears have forelimbs?

They have the right to bear arms

What did the large furry mammal say when the salamander who kept asking for favors went too far?

I can't bear it! You axolotl of me this time!

What do you call a bear who is athletically flexible?

Yogi

Why was the sterile Grizzly upset?

Because he couldn't Bear children.

Where were you born?

Me: Missouri. I: What state are you in now? M: Apathy. I: That's not what I meant. M: I don't care.

What did the doctor say when a Chinese baby with down syndrome was born?

Congratulations, you have a healthy new baby!

What time of day was Adam born?

Just a little before Eve

How do we know that Jesus wasn't born in Mexico?

Because he'd never have been able to find 3 wise men and a virgin.

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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Your Age Is Only Math

How fast can a bear run?

As fast as it can bear.

What happens when Keemstar and Ricegum have a baby?

He's born with Diss-lexia

What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of its cage?

Camembert

What's Leonardo DiCaprio's least favorite dessert?

Bear claaaaaarrrrrwwwwwwss!!!

What did the polar bear's wife say when she couldn't bear his tantrums any more?

Bye bye bipolar polar bear

What do you call children born of ginger people?

Ginger-bred

What do you call a Bear who is just learning to use the force?

A PANDAwan learner.

What did one druid say to the other?

Bear with me...

What kind of bear is best?

One that gets you an oscar

What do you call a Chinese baby in the oven?

A 2nd born.

Love Card

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Love Card

What's a bear's favorite fruit?

Tom (). Explanation: Bears are made up of atoms. Plug:

What do you call an Australian singer who was born in Australia?

Aussie Aus-born.

Why is Karl Marx a fan of the Galactic Empire?

He was born ina 1818.

What' the bare minimum?

One bear

What happened in China on Christmas?

The Rice-child was born.

What do you call a bird born in the 90s?

A millennial falcon.

What does Fozzie the Bear do when he can't find a ride?

Walk-a Walk-a

What kind of shoes do bears wear?

None because they go barefoot.

Why are there no bears in Antarctica?

Bearren.

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

I Love Pizza & You

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I Love Pizza & You

How was the bear able to move in order to get honey?

It had muscles.

What do you get when you cross a bear and a spider?

A six-legged, honey-lovin', web-spinnin'

Why don't bears wear socks?

They have bear feet

What sort of cheese do you use to get a bear to go on a outing with you?

Camembert

What do bears take at raves?

Maully.

Why are chickens never virgins?

Because when they're born they get laid.

Why didn't the bear go to college?

Because bears don't go to college.

What do you call a baby born at 4 months gestation?

Doesn't matter, still born.

Why do bears poop in the woods?

So nobody will see their bare (bear) bottom!

How do you describe the bears?

Fast and Furious 7

Why did the mother bear ask the baby bear to wear shoes before he ran through the forest?

Because he was barefooted!!!

Why is the door to heaven always open?

Because Jesus was born in a barn.

Why the big pause................................?

Said the man in the pub to the bear. First heard this joke told by Eddie Izzard.

How many bear arms could Bear Grylls bear to bear if Bear Grylls could bear to bear bear arms?

Bear

What do you call a bear that's been in the rain?

A drizzly bear, of course

Why does Jesus always leave a door open for you?

Because he was born in a barn.

How are bears related to cooking?

The pan... duh

What has 3 thumbs and was born near a nuclear power plant?

This guy

What do you call a bee that was born in the USA?

USB

Where do bears go after smoking some weed?

Hibearnation

How do Russians drive to Alaska?

By bearing straight

What would bears be without bees?

Ears!

What is a guy who rubs bear toes called?

Rob...wait for it... erto! Rubeartoe!

What's a bear without an ear?

A b

Why wouldn't you hire bears from Australia?

Because they don't have the necessary koalafications. (Derived from: )

What did the bear do to be labeled a hipster?

He hibernated in the summer.

What do bears and women from Arkansas have in common?

They can't stop licking their paws.

What do you call a bear in the rain?

A drizzly bear.

What month was King Kong born in?

Ape-ril

What do you call bears with no ears?

B

How did the zebra get its stripes?

Not many people know this, but zebras arent actually born with stripes. There is actually an entire industry of people called zebra painters who go around painting black stripes on zebras. This is done so zebras arent confused with albino donkeys.

Why can't bears get jobs in Australia?

They don't have the right koalfications!

What kind of bear likes the rain?

A drizzley bear.

What do you call a baby born feet first?

A c-section.

What do you call a bear that's not drunk?

So-Bear!

Why was Mohamed Ali born a fighter?

In the womb, he used to fight bald clowns. (Self made joke)

What cheese do hunters use to goad a bear out from its cave in the winter?

Camenbert

How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar?

You have to read ursine.

What is a bear after it is 10 years old?

11 years old.

What do you call a bear that likes men when it's happy and women when it's sad?

A Bipolar Bear

What kind of cheese do you use to entice a bear?

Camembert!

What's the difference between a tsunami and a bear?

A tsunami doesn't care that you are faster than your buddy.

What does a grizzly wear under his fur?

Under-bear.

What do performing bears at the circus get for lunch?

30 minutes.

What happened when Smokey the Bear started the forest fire?

He got arrested just like you would've.

Who do you think was sent to cover the story of the baby lion born in the zoo?

A cub reporter.

How many bears does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The bear minimum

What do you call a foreign born communist running for President?

Ted Cruz

What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?

Winnie the Pooh!

Why didn't the bear from the revenant win the Oscar?

Because it would've torn Leo up to receive another Oscar loss

Why did the kangaroo love the little Australian bear?

Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!

What do you call a bear in the Arctic?

Starving.

Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?

They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

What was the bear protesting?

His right to human arms

Where do bears store their military weapons?

In bearracks.

What's the best thing about being born on 9/11/99?

You had the two biggest candles on your second birthday.

What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?

Camembert!

What is the name of a taxi service for bears?

Ubear.

Why are bears so hairy?

They don't have salons in the jungle!

How are one out of three American Boats born?

By Sea-Section.

How do you confuse a man?

You don't - they're born that way.

What did the bear say to the judge?

I bearly touched her.

When a programmer is born, what are their first words?

Hello world!

What do you call a bear that swings both ways?

Bi-polar

What kind of medicine do bears take?

Bayer Asprin

How was it possible that the three bears had porridge all at different temperatures?

Someone is lying.

What do you call The Bear who loves philosophy?

Winnie the Philosopooh

What do bears get at raves?

Mauly.

Why were the overly polite twins almost never born?

After you." "No, after you."

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What's white and streaks across the sky at a thousand miles an hour?

The coming of the Lord.

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

10 Jokes More 10 Jokes

Why do 9 out of 10 bear moms prefer minivans over sedans?

All the extra cubholders.

Why didn't The Terminator upgrade to windows 10?

I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

Strength Jokes More Strength Jokes

What are your strengths?

I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Give me an example" "When do I start "

How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.

Baritone Jokes More Baritone Jokes

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

How does a baritone make phone calls?

Song distance!

Tweet Jokes More Tweet Jokes

What do you get when you kiss a canary?

Chirpes. It can't be tweeted because it's a canarial disease.

How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?

Now, I tweet them

Start Jokes More Start Jokes

Who wants to hear an awesome knock knock joke?

Okay, you start.

What spends a good 3 hours a day in my hand?

Hint* it starts with P and ends with S. Pens! :D... wait what were YOU THINKING!!!

Snap Jokes More Snap Jokes

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

What did the rubber band factory worker say when he was fired?

Oh snap!

Seven Jokes More Seven Jokes

How many letters are there in the Pirate Alphabet?

Ten. Aye, aye, arr, and the seven seas.

What are the ten letters of the pirate alphabet?

Aye, Aye! Arrrr! & the Seven Seas!