Mum Jokes

What do you call a trapped fly in a frying pan of stir fry?

Your mum

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What's pink, wrinkly, hairy, smells of pee, and hangs out you boxers?

Either your mum, your wife or you.

Why is Grace never thirsty?

Because she's always drinking from the coup de Grace. (This was my sister's favourite joke when we were kids. Once our mum flipped out on a long car journey because she told it too many times).

What do you call a British midget mother who can barely support her family?

Mini-Mum

Because of their Crystal Balls EDIT: I'm not sure if anyone's posted this before my mum's sister emailed her from across the globe.(New Zealand) I laughed so hard I thought I'd put it here. Credit goes to my Mum's sister though.

What's pink and wrinked and hangs out my Y-fronts?

My mum.

What do I have in common with neutrinos?

We are both constantly penetrating your mum.

How would you describe the woman who attacked you?

Describes mother* *Gets a copy of picture* *Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

Why couldn't the spotty cat chase the sheep?

Because her Mum wouldn't leopard be a shepherd

Why did the biscuit cry?

His mum had been a wafer too long.

Why doesn't Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mum with that mouth.

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When I was a little boy I asked my mum 'how many is a couple?

She replied 'oh, two or three' Now I know why her marriage didn't last long

Why are you crying Ted?

Asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'

What do you call your mum who is shorter than you?

A minimum.

What do these 2 have in common What does your mum and a politician have in common?

When they scream they make no sense

Why are you watching Thatcher's funeral?

Mum: "Just to make sure"

How far have you gone with a girl?

I went to Canada with my mum once

What did you do today?

Mum: Well, the builders that moved the garage came over and I paid them for their work done.

What are the four elements?

Pupil: Fire Earth Water and the Internet. Teacher: What do you mean the Internet Pupil: Well Mum says that whenever I'm on the Net I'm in my element.

What's the difference between starlings and swallows?

Your mum doesn't starlings.

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Credit Jokes More Credit Jokes

What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?

Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

How many redditers does it take to change a light bulb?

3. One to screw it in, the next to claim credit and the third to be a bot that reposts.

Trap Jokes More Trap Jokes

How do you trap an elephant?

You first dig a hole, second, you fill the hole with ashes, also throw some peas in there. When the elephant stops to take a pea, you kick it in the ash hole.

What is JigSaw's favorite genre of music?

Trap

Wrinkly Jokes More Wrinkly Jokes

What is the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.

What's pink, wrinkly, hairy, smells of pee, and hangs out you boxers?

Either your mum, your wife or you.

Pee Jokes More Pee Jokes

Why did the model pee herself?

She was all dressed up with no place to go!

Why do you have to pee so quickly after you start drinking beer?

Because it doesn't have to stop off to change color!

Grace Jokes More Grace Jokes

What do cannibal say when they say grace?

We thank you Lord for our daily dead!

Why is Grace never thirsty?

Because she's always drinking from the coup de Grace. (This was my sister's favourite joke when we were kids. Once our mum flipped out on a long car journey because she told it too many times).