Press Jokes

What happened when Santa cut his beard?

The police came and took statements but ultimately Mrs. Claus declined to press charges. OC

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Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda-pressing.

Why can't the hydraulic press guy bring himself to crush a can of sprite?

Because it's soda pressing

Why didn't the weightlifter like doing chest exercises with Coke cans?

Because it was soda pressing.

What happened when the coke bottle was run over by the steamroller?

He was soda pressed.

Why did the soda can quit its job at the vending machine?

It was soda pressing.

Why'd the factory worker hate their job?

Because it was soda pressing.

Why was the Pepsi crying while lifting weights?

Because he was soda-pressing

Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?

Because it's soda pressing.

How do you know when there's a elephant under your bed?

Your nose is pressed against the ceiling.

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Run Jokes More Run Jokes

What do DNA and Diarrhea have in common?

They both run in your jeans (genes)

Why couldn't the clock be kept in jail?

Because time was always running out.

Santa Jokes More Santa Jokes

What does Santa call his English Elves?

Subordinate clauses....

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three Hos.

Barista Jokes More Barista Jokes

Why do engineering majors refer to themselves "engineers"?

You don't see literature majors calling themselves Starbucks baristas

What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common?

Baristas

Statement Jokes More Statement Jokes

Why can't acids argue well?

All their statements are baseless.

What's the difference between sarcasm and a serious statement?

What're you asking me for I have Asperger's.

Come Jokes More Come Jokes

How Pokemon Go came to be Customers: "Niantic, can we have 151 Pokemon?

Niantic: "147 Pokemon You want to have 145 Pokemon! What are you going to do with 142 Pokemon!"

What did the sun say after melting Frosty the Snowman?

I came, I thaw, I conquered.

Coffee Jokes More Coffee Jokes

How do Spaniards take their coffee?

Au lait.

Whats a yoga instructors favourite kind of coffee?

Pilatte

Quit Jokes More Quit Jokes

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

Why did the bacteriologist quit her job?

She hated being microbe-managed.

Weightlifter Jokes More Weightlifter Jokes

Why didn't the weightlifter like doing chest exercises with Coke cans?

Because it was soda pressing.

Where do weightlifters get their sandwiches?

Subwhey.