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Choose Jokes

Why did the aliens choose to not invade and enslave the human race?

Because they're not garbage collectors.

Love
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Love

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Why did the customer choose T-Mobile?

Because he wanted the worst cellphone service in the world.

Why did Fetty Wap chose that as his stage name?

Because he wanted to make $50K per day from ad revenue.

Why does the prosecutor only choose jurors who drive Hummers?

So that there's no chance of a hung jury

Why should've Christians chosen farts over bread?

It's more fun to break wind

Why does California have more lawyers and New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey got to choose first

What is Putin to Ukraina, a friend or a brother?

A brother, because you can choose your friends.

What is the difference between pick and choose?

To pick is to make a selection... And choose are what Cubans wear on their feet.

Why did Clemson choose orange as its team color?

So they could play football on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up garbage the rest of the week.

What are the rules about Canadians?

Does everybody get one Do I get to choose Where do I sign up

How did Jared Fogle lose so much weight?

Because he chose from the kids menu

Birthday State of Mind
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Birthday State of Mind

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Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don't ever take my candy.

Why did the peace-loving incandescent bulb reject the candle and choose the fluorescent lamp as role model?

The fluorescent lamp wouldn't hurt a fly.

What game do they choose?

They chose "Sorry!".

What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?

I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.

Why couldn't the dolphin choose a career?

She had no sense of porpoise.

Who would you turn to face?

Be careful with whom you chose

What did you choose?

Guy: I don't remember.

What is my girlfriend's favorite meal?

A dish called: "I don't know, you choose."

What's the difference between "choice" and "choose?

Choice" is your ability to make decisions, "choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.

How much for 2 children?

She replied, "$9.50." "Awesome!" I said. "Do I get to choose or is it a lucky dip "

Everyday Deserves a Joke
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Everyday Deserves a Joke

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What could you bring to this company?

Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

How many Anti-Vaxxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

As a mother, I choose not to screw it in. Light bulbs are dangerous weapons created by the Soviet Union, and I will not screw it in; it could severely hurt my child. As everyone knows, light bulbs are the principle source of autism in this world, and I have to take a stand on it.

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Group Jokes More Group Jokes

What do you call a group of people addicted to Japanese drugs?

We abuse

What do you call a group of white people sitting on the bench?

A basketball team.

Enslave Jokes More Enslave Jokes

Why did the aliens choose to not invade and enslave the human race?

Because they're not garbage collectors.

How woke?

Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

Abortion Jokes More Abortion Jokes

What's the best part about abortions?

They never get old

What is the most effective form of birth control?

Abortions.

Ability Jokes More Ability Jokes

What is the definition of diplomacy?

The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

What's the difference between "choice" and "choose?

Choice" is your ability to make decisions, "choose" are what Mexicans put on their feet.

California Jokes More California Jokes

Why did the Broncos wear white jerseys in Super Bowl 50?

Because it's hard to catch a white bronco in California.

What two places can you find a California roll?

Sushi bars and stop signs.

Drive Jokes More Drive Jokes

What does an apple and an apple tree have in common?

They both don't drive tractors.

What's 6 inches long and 2 inches wide and drives women wild?

Deez nuts

Decision Jokes More Decision Jokes

How does a penguin make a decision?

Flipper coin. Again, I shall take my leave.

What do you call it when you second guess your decision to book a stay at a Native American resort?

A reservation reservation reservation. Credit to Brian Regan, this is my favorite joke of his!

Human Race Jokes More Human Race Jokes

Why did the dyslexic escapologist join the International Socialists?

A. because he wanted to help untie the human race.

Why did the aliens choose to not invade and enslave the human race?

Because they're not garbage collectors.