Promise Jokes

What do you call a promise you can't keep?

A campaign promise.

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What is it good for?

Some people say "nothing", but my stock portfolio's looking promising.

What happens when Nigel Farage makes a promise?

He brexit.

How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more guys I promise.

Where's the election victory that you promised me?

Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had

What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas?

Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one.

Why did a pregnant lady walk into Jimmy Johns?

They promised freaky fast delivery

How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

None--He'll only promise "change."

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Reflection Jokes More Reflection Jokes

What does George Weasley see in the Mirror of Erised?

His reflection.

What's a narcissist's favorite color?

Reflection

Time Jokes More Time Jokes

What is the difference between a guitar player and government bonds?

Government bonds mature over time and earn money

What time does Sean Connery show up to wimbledon?

Tennish

Satan Jokes More Satan Jokes

How do you know Satan's barbeque ribs are good?

Cos they're trident tested.

Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?

Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.

Look Jokes More Look Jokes

How can you double your money?

Look at it in a mirror.

Why did the storm trooper return his iPhone?

Because it wasn't the droid he was looking for!

Screw Jokes More Screw Jokes

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten: one to screw it in and nine to say, "Pssh, I can do that."

How many koalas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, given that he's koali-fied for the job.

Op Jokes More Op Jokes

When asked to provide proof that he had cirrhosis, what did OP do?

OP de-livered.

How do you tell the difference between a redditor and a MOBA player?

Ask them what OP stands for.

Nigel Farage Jokes More Nigel Farage Jokes

What happens when Nigel Farage makes a promise?

He brexit.

Food Jokes More Food Jokes

What do you call food between two slices of bread?

A sandwich

What food should you avoid if you don't want to go to court?

Sue-shi! I'll excuse myself.