Burn Jokes

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean. The attorney said, Im here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. "Thats quite a coincidence," said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything. The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

What happened to the fireman who let the house burn?

He got fired.

What burns longer, a red or a green candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

How do you best serve burned food?

Coal'd.

What happened when the shoe factory burned down?

500 soles were lost.

What did the beaver say when his house burned down?

Damn

Why did the movie critic give the movie he received on a burned disc a 3.14/5?

Because it was pi-rated.

What do a frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant girl have in common?

Failure to pull out in time

What should you do with a burning Kotex?

Throw it on the ground and tamp on it.

How did the hipster burn his fingertips?

He was changing the lightbulb before it was cool. rimshot

What do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common?

Someone didn't pull it out in time.

What do you get if a post office burns down?

Black mail.

Why can you never get caught with a 0 in math?

Because cot(0) doesn't exist... This joke... it burns my eyes...

Why does frost not like to lay out in the sun?

It burns too easily

Why don't witches like The Keg?

Because it's always burned at the stake

What's burnt to a crisp and at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

How did the blonde burn her nose?

Bobbing for French fries.

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?

None a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.

What do you get when you burn down Woolworths?

Coles.

How many guys in IT does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to identify that the lightbulb has indeed burned out, and one to call the maintenence man to change the lightbulb.

Why are Mistborns always so thin?

Because they're always Burning calories!

What did one candle say to the other?

Don't birthdays burn you up

What do you call beef that's been burned?

A mis-steak.

How can I ever repay you?

Favstar in the bio "Oh I don't have Twi-" *returns baby to burning building*

What is a witch's least favorite food?

Burnt steak.

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

What do a pregnant teenager, frozen beer, and a burned pizza have in common?

Some idiot forgot to pull it out in time.

Why did the SSD burn a flag?

Because it was a Patriot Blaze

What do you call a politician in a house fire?

Burning Sanders!

How my girlfriend stay's thin. Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin?

She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.

What do cars and humans have in common?

We both burn gas.

What did the black dude say when his hippie girlfriend asked him to go to burning man with her?

Namaste here

What if I see a puppy?

What if my house burns down

How long does it take to burn a candle down?

About a wick!

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?

Beacause a little water ends both of them!

Why did the blonde burn her ear?

The phone rang while she was ironing!

How do fireflies lose weight?

They burn calories.

What do you call a burning Bible?

Holy smokes.

What does weed and the Quran have in common?

If you burn it you get stoned

What do the LAPD and computers have in common?

They can both burn C.D's

What did the farmer say when he heard the town gossiping about his cornfield fire?

My ears are burning!

Who's there! Burns! Burns who?

Burns me up!

Why did ISIS burn 10000 copies of "Dark Side Of The Moon"?

Because it's a terrible album.

How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.

What do you need to do after burning your balls on the asphalt of a dead end street?

You need to cul de sac.

What Do the Joker and 60,000,000 people have in common?

They just wanna watch the world burn

What did Nirvana say when they drove past a burning school bus?

Smells Like Teen Spirits

When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?

Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

Why did the Boston Marathon runner collapse before finishing the race?

WTF) His thighs were burning too bad.

What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes?

Fine. They will just be burnt on one side.

Why is baby black?

Wife- You hot, Me hot. Baby burnt!

What's the difference between a blue 7 and a red 4?

3, duh. (My ex's 9 year old little sister told me this joke, and followed is up with: "and YOU'RE the math guy!" >< Burned.)

What is the one smell you can never get out of the house, no matter what you spray or what incense you burn?

Your grandparents.

What do you get when you burn a Hungarian ghost?

Ghoul-ash!

How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing. Cop: You're free to go.

What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely?

An unfortu-naut... God that was horrible....

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How did the hipster burn his tounge?

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What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

What's the difference between a cigarette and my exwife?

Love Card

What does a burnt pizza and a pregnant girl have in common?

What did one pile of burning wood say to the other?

Why did the hipster burn their tongue?

What does a burning Mexican farm smell like?

Why did the arsonist go to the gym?

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What did Mr. Burns bring to the pot luck?

What did one termite say to another in a burning building?

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What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?

How Do You Start a Flood?