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Help Jokes

How do you get a dozen eggs out of a washing machine in less than a minute?

I'm serious... help.

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When someone asks, "How are you?

I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.

What's the difference between a good friend and a really good friend?

A good friend will help you move house A really good friend will help you move a body!

What helps humans get laid but is deadly for fish?

Pick up lines

Why didn't Cathy keep the extra dollar of change at Chick-fil-a?

Because Cathy can't help being Truett-ful

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

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Knead Jokes More Knead Jokes

What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table?

I don't knead you anymore.

Why was the Baker a part-time drug dealer?

Because he really kneaded the dough. (please forgive me for that awful pun)

Dollar Bill Jokes More Dollar Bill Jokes

Why are you late?

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

What is about 6 in long, has a head, girls love to blow it, and is in a guys pants?

A dollar bill you dirty minded people!! LMFAO

Dollar Jokes More Dollar Jokes

How much does a moil get paid?

Fifty dollars and a tip.

Why do they want to change the faces on dollars but not on coins?

Because the only constant is change.

Bang Jokes More Bang Jokes

What is a banged-up used car?

A car in first-crash condition.

Why should a man never bang his best friend?

He'll probably catch fleas

Lose Jokes More Lose Jokes

Why is being a pirate addictive?

They say that after you lose your first hand, you get hooked!

Why did the twitter army lose all their battles?

Because they kept retweeting.

Somebody Jokes More Somebody Jokes

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?

Somebody took a corner!

What do you say when somebody cuts in front of you in line for Vietnamese noodles?

Hey, pho queue, dude

Animal Jokes More Animal Jokes

What animals talk on the telephone the most?

The yakety-yaks!

What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal?

A doctor

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

Whats a joke so bad its funny?

I just want some really hillarious jokes, preferably long ones

What is your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich. Genie: Granted. What is your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.