Texas Jokes

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb in Texas?

They can't. There's a wall.

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Why is Texas the "Lone Star" state?

It was rated out of five.

What's the difference between Texas and Russia?

One's a disgusting cesspool full of paranoid, bigoted, anti-American sadists, and the other is really cold.

What's the difference between Texas and stupid?

Nothing.

How can you tell if someone is from Texas?

Oh don't worry, they'll tell you

What time is it when a Muslim immigrant brings a clock to school in Texas?

Time to get a new principal.

What gets wet as it dries?

Texas after a drought.

Which art piece won the Texas Muhammad cartoon contest?

Two chalk outlines.

Why did God bless Texas?

He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris.

How do you know if someone's from Texas?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Why has Mexico never won olympic gold?

All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.

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Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas?

Because they weren't getting a square meal.

What's a Tennessee tornado and a Texas divorce have in common?

Someone's gonna lose a trailer.

What do you call a C-average student from Texas?

Mr. President

How do you pick up women in Waco, Texas?

With a DustBuster.

Where's the best place to hide a body in texas?

Oops. Wrong subreddit!

When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special. Wanna know why?

They are out standing in the field

What's the secret to a long life?

I said, "Never order vegetarian in Texas"

Why did the Sudanese boy get arrested in Texas?

I'm not exactly sure, but it was about time.

What does a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

Either way, someone is losing a trailer.

Where do you go if a twister is about to touchdown in Texas?

The Dallas Cowboy Stadium, a touchdown never happens there!

Why is an Oklahoma divorce like a Texas twister?

Somebody's 'bout to lose a trailer.

What do a UT Austin student and a Texas A&ampM student have in common?

They both applied to UT Austin

What do a Texas tornado and an Oklahoma divorce have in common?

Either way someone's losing a trailer.

Why is it illegal for a person living in Virginia to be buried in Texas?

Because they're still alive.

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Wall Jokes More Wall Jokes

What's green and walks through walls?

Casper the Friendly Pickle.

What does a bowl of spaghetti and a degree from Phoenix online both have in common?

If it ends up on your wall you're probably retarded.

Stop Jokes More Stop Jokes

What's the difference between a Pilot and a jet engine?

A jet engine stops whining after it lands

How do you stop an elephant going through the eye of a needle?

By tying a knot on its tail.

Jump Jokes More Jump Jokes

Who's there! Candy! Candy who?

Candy cow jump over the moon!

Why can kangaroos jump higher than a house?

Because a house can't jump.

Time Jokes More Time Jokes

What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?

It was just a matter of time.

What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time...

Olympic Gold Jokes More Olympic Gold Jokes

Why has Mexico never won olympic gold?

All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?

Because Africa isn't a country.

Chuck Norris Jokes More Chuck Norris Jokes

Why is Chuck Norris still alive?

Credit: Saw the comment in this 1:55

Why does Mona Lisa smiling?

The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

Hay Jokes More Hay Jokes

Why are round bales of hay illegal?

Because cows can't get a square meal.

What did the cow say to the farmer named Mitch?

Moo Mitch, get out the hay

Change Jokes More Change Jokes

How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They haven't got a policy on that.

How do you call a blond who changed her hair color to brown?

Artificial Intelligence!