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Chuck Norris Jokes

How does Chuck Norris go fishing?

You, you and you. Get out.

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Who would win in a fight between John Cena and Chuck Norris?

Depends on who wrote the script.

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them.

Why did God bless Texas?

He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris.

How did Chuck Norris solve the dwindling oil reserves problem?

Ctrl - C, Ctrl - V

Why is Chuck Norris still alive?

Credit: Saw the comment in this 1:55

How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, no light bulb dare go out in the presence of Chuck Norris.

What were the Virgin Islands called, after Chuck Norris visited them?

The Islands

How can you tell if Chuck Norris ate rabbits the night before?

He has claw marks on his forehead.

What is your secret weapon against terrorists?

We simply reply......Chuck Norris

How much wood can Chuck Norris if Chuck Norris could chuck wood?

Chuck Norris would just stare at the wood, and it would chuck itself out of fear.

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Why does Mona Lisa smiling?

The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

How much Norris?

Tongue twister) How much Norris could Chuck Norris chuck, if Chuck Norris could Chuck Norris

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

All of it.

How much wood......could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was Chuck Norris?

All of it.*

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

My Favorite, When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Why do all Pirates wear eye patches?

Chuck Norris.

What is Chuck Norris' "best karate move"?

Pork Chop!

What is the irrational fear of Chuck Norris otherwise known as?

A completely rational fear.

Why are there no Chuck Norris knock-knock jokes?

Because Chuck only has to hit the door ONCE.

What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in?

A roundhouse.

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Upset Jokes More Upset Jokes

Why were the coffee beans upset?

Because they were grounded.... Or black I am not sure.

Why was the fruit really upset he had to get married in a big church?

Oc Because he cantaloupe.

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

What do clouds want to be when they grow up?

Thunderstorms

What did the diver say to the oyster?

I want that pearl! Don't be shellfish!

Telephone Jokes More Telephone Jokes

What did the answering machine say to the telephone?

Take my word for it.

What do all the Smiths in the telephone book have in common?

They all have telephones...

Credit Jokes More Credit Jokes

How does the drug addict know the cocaine is good quality?

He just nose. All credit to my BFF

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn't peeling very well. Credit to my four year old niece.

Cancer Jokes More Cancer Jokes

What did the little boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

What did the boy with no arms &amp legs get at the World Cup?

Cancer. ()

God Jokes More God Jokes

What's the difference between God and an electrician?

God doesn't think **he's** an electrician.

What did God say after she made Eve?

Practice makes perfect.

Fight Jokes More Fight Jokes

Who wins in a fight: Goku or Superman?

Wrong, Batman always wins.   Yes, I do have the sense of humor of a 5 year old.

What do you call a Sith Lord who refuses to fight?

A sithy.

Fear Jokes More Fear Jokes

Why couldn't the Geordie go above the seventh floor in the tower block?

He had a fear of eights

What do you call a fear of chainsaws?

Logic.