Chuck Norris Jokes

How does Chuck Norris go fishing?

You, you and you. Get out.

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Who would win in a fight between John Cena and Chuck Norris?

Depends on who wrote the script.

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them.

Why did God bless Texas?

He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris.

How did Chuck Norris solve the dwindling oil reserves problem?

Ctrl - C, Ctrl - V

Why is Chuck Norris still alive?

Credit: Saw the comment in this 1:55

How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, no light bulb dare go out in the presence of Chuck Norris.

What were the Virgin Islands called, after Chuck Norris visited them?

The Islands

How can you tell if Chuck Norris ate rabbits the night before?

He has claw marks on his forehead.

What is your secret weapon against terrorists?

We simply reply......Chuck Norris

How much wood can Chuck Norris if Chuck Norris could chuck wood?

Chuck Norris would just stare at the wood, and it would chuck itself out of fear.

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Why does Mona Lisa smiling?

The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

How much Norris?

Tongue twister) How much Norris could Chuck Norris chuck, if Chuck Norris could Chuck Norris

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

All of it.

How much wood......could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was Chuck Norris?

All of it.*

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

My Favorite, When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Why do all Pirates wear eye patches?

Chuck Norris.

What is Chuck Norris' "best karate move"?

Pork Chop!

What is the irrational fear of Chuck Norris otherwise known as?

A completely rational fear.

Why are there no Chuck Norris knock-knock jokes?

Because Chuck only has to hit the door ONCE.

What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in?

A roundhouse.

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Why do 2 bit gamblers never win at blackjack?

Because they can only count to 3.

Why are dogs bad at poker?

Because they wag their tails whenever they have a good hand. Why did John's dog win the poker tournament Because he's a Doberman.

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How many Bill Cosbys does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one but every time he does he causes a blackout.

Why did the global warming activist compliment the earth?

Cause it looked hotter than usual!

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

What did the band Weezer say about the nudist beach?

All the mammaries made me want to go back there!

What's the difference between and out-law and an in-law?

One's wanted.

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What's a Brooklyn contractors favorite dance?

Dewalts

Why are there separate book donation boxes for Nigeria, Ghana, AND Zambia outside the bookstore?

Am I supposed to pick my favorite

Wood Jokes More Wood Jokes

What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe?

Question: What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? Answer: One is Maid of Orleans and the other is made of wood.

How do you know if you are a necrophiliac?

You get mourning wood

Upset Jokes More Upset Jokes

Why was the gourmet upset when he saw the menu?

The prices were gastronomical...

Why did God bless Texas?

He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris.

Solve Jokes More Solve Jokes

What do you call a pirate who solves mysteries?

A pirate aye!

What squeaks as it solves crimes?

Miami mice!

Credit Jokes More Credit Jokes

What does Pikachu say when he puts too much salsa on his food?

PIKA PIKA PIKA (Credit to my 5 year old son)

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund. credit to (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)