Alcoholic Jokes

Why cant Schizophrenics be alcoholics?

Because they never drink alone.

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What should you never do in front of an alcoholic?

Whine.

What do you call a man who's always in high spirits?

An alcoholic.

What did one alcoholic say to the other alcoholic?

I forget

What do you call it when an alcoholic stops drinking?

A leave of Absinthe.

How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?

Backwards.

What's the worst thing about alcoholics?

They wine too much.

What do you call a group of alcoholics with the same name?

Alcoholics synonymous.

Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar?

Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

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What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

Where do alcoholics get their breakfast pastries?

Drunken Donuts

What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?

Wine

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

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What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

How do you make a peanut laugh?

You crack it up.

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What is Shulk from Xenoblade's favorite thing to type?

Back Slash!

What type of monster really loves dance music?

The boogieman.

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What does a black person get for Christmas?

Your bike.

What do you call a love triangle between a white person, a black person and a Native American?

Neapolitan.

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How does Alabama keep alcohol out of high school?

Change the drinking age to 25

What kind of alcohol gets stuck in your head for days?

Red Red Wine!

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What do nails like to do on the weekend?

Get hammered.

What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?

I don't know! Well you're not using my computer keyboard then!

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Why aren't you working?

Me: I didn't see you coming!

Why can't you hear Django coming?

The D is silent.

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What does a bartender give you when you need the feeling of a strong drink, but you're not allowed ton consume alcohol?

Xanax since he's a Bartender

What's the longest time in which you haven't consumed alcohol?

My record is 21 years.

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Whats the difference between a guy who has a new Mercedes and a guy who has an old Mercedes?

The guy who has a new Mercedes is rich. The guy who has an old Mercedes has been rich for a longer time.

How many psychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes a really long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change...