Alcoholic Jokes

Why cant Schizophrenics be alcoholics?

Because they never drink alone.

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What should you never do in front of an alcoholic?

Whine.

What do you call a man who's always in high spirits?

An alcoholic.

What do a pirate wench and an alcoholic have in common?

They've both got a little Captain in them.

What did one alcoholic say to the other alcoholic?

I forget

What do you call it when an alcoholic stops drinking?

A leave of Absinthe.

How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?

Backwards.

What's the worst thing about alcoholics?

They wine too much.

What do you call a group of alcoholics with the same name?

Alcoholics synonymous.

Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

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How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar?

Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

Where do alcoholics get their breakfast pastries?

Drunken Donuts

What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?

Wine

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

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Stumble Jokes More Stumble Jokes

What do you do when you stumble upon a one-armed Polish man stuck in a tree?

You wave!

How much does 1 drop of gas cost me?

The boy stumbles: "Well euhm... nothing I guess." "Thanks, I'll have 2 million drops then"

Catholic Jokes More Catholic Jokes

What's a Catholic's favorite way to send money?

PayPal

How many catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

CHANGE!

Tequila Mockingbird Jokes More Tequila Mockingbird Jokes

What do you get when you mix up literature and alcohol?

Tequila mockingbird Or Ernest Hemingway

What is it called when you mix Alcohol and Literature?

Tequila Mockingbird. (X-post)

Guarantee Jokes More Guarantee Jokes

Who is guaranteed to win?

Society.

What is the 100% guaranteed way to get younger looking skin?

Believe in reincarnation.

Way Jokes More Way Jokes

What should you say to a pig on roller skates?

Don't say anything. Just get out of the way.

What do you tell a cow that's in the way?

Mooooooooooooove.

Minor Jokes More Minor Jokes

What do you get if you cross a Buddhist monk and a 16 year old blonde cheerleader?

Arrested for procurement of a minor. Trust me on this one.

Why was the man arrested for having his skin flute played?

It was in A-minor

Today Jokes More Today Jokes

How many sad soccer fans are there today?

A Brazillion...

Why is everyone smiling at me today?

Checks fly* *no pants* Aaaah.

Type Jokes More Type Jokes

What type of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers

What type of car does a dinosaur drive?

A priustoric!