Alcoholic Jokes

Why cant Schizophrenics be alcoholics?

Because they never drink alone.

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What should you never do in front of an alcoholic?

Whine.

What do you call a man who's always in high spirits?

An alcoholic.

What do a pirate wench and an alcoholic have in common?

They've both got a little Captain in them.

What did one alcoholic say to the other alcoholic?

I forget

What do you call it when an alcoholic stops drinking?

A leave of Absinthe.

How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?

Backwards.

What's the worst thing about alcoholics?

They wine too much.

What do you call a group of alcoholics with the same name?

Alcoholics synonymous.

Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

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How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar?

Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

Where do alcoholics get their breakfast pastries?

Drunken Donuts

What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?

Wine

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

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Long Time Jokes More Long Time Jokes

Why did Woodrow Wilson take a long time to turn around?

Because he could only make 14 point turns.

What do you call gonorrhea that takes a long time to show up?

Slow clap.

Record Jokes More Record Jokes

Who are you?

You're not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record

What do you call a notebook where you record information about your poops?

Some people may call it a log journal, while others call it a diary-a.

Consume Jokes More Consume Jokes

What does a bartender give you when you need the feeling of a strong drink, but you're not allowed ton consume alcohol?

Xanax since he's a Bartender

What's the longest time in which you haven't consumed alcohol?

My record is 21 years.

Alcohol Jokes More Alcohol Jokes

What do you call alcohol in a birdbath?

Tequila Mockingbird!

How does Alabama keep alcohol out of high school?

Change the drinking age to 25

Guarantee Jokes More Guarantee Jokes

What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?

Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back

Who's the best person to invite over for Christmas?

Charlie Sheen. Because you know it's GUARANTEED to be a white Christmas when he's around.

Credit Jokes More Credit Jokes

Why is the man only left with 30?

Credit to Bo Burnham.

Why are atoms untrustworthy?

They make up everything. Credit to from an askreddit thread about what not to trust.

Necrophiliacs Jokes More Necrophiliacs Jokes

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

What do necrophiliacs get at funerals?

Mourning wood.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between Brazil and Oscar Pistorious?

Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on Target

What's the difference between a musician and a dead body?

One composes, the other decomposes...