Alcoholic Jokes

Why cant Schizophrenics be alcoholics?

Because they never drink alone.

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What should you never do in front of an alcoholic?

Whine.

What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

What do you call a man who's always in high spirits?

An alcoholic.

What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

What do a pirate wench and an alcoholic have in common?

They've both got a little Captain in them.

What do you call an alcoholic with Parkinson's?

Shakespeare (say it out loud)

What did one alcoholic say to the other alcoholic?

I forget

What do you call it when an alcoholic stops drinking?

A leave of Absinthe.

How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?

Backwards.

What's the worst thing about alcoholics?

They wine too much.

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What's the difference between an alcoholic and a necrophiliac?

One goes to the bar for a cold one. The other goes to a morgue.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.

What do you get when you mix a Native American and an Irishman?

An alcoholic with a drinking problem

What do you call a group of alcoholics with the same name?

Alcoholics synonymous.

Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar?

Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

Where do alcoholics get their breakfast pastries?

Drunken Donuts

What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?

Wine

What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic?

They both like to crack open a cold one

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

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Necrophiliacs Jokes More Necrophiliacs Jokes

What do necrophiliacs get when they wake up on the day of a funeral?

Mourning Wood

What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

Forget Jokes More Forget Jokes

Why do bees hum?

Because they've forgotten the words!

Why do you keep talking about my weight behind my back?

Husband: Because when I get round to the front I've forgotten what I was going to say

Work Jokes More Work Jokes

Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

Why were Democrats in the lead early on?

Republicans weren't off of work yet.

Hug Jokes More Hug Jokes

What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

You don't have to hug a washing machine half an hour after it finishes

What if sharks hug with their mouths?

Just sayin.

Crack Jokes More Crack Jokes

What's the difference between your mom and a drug dealer?

Your mom can wash her crack and re-sell it.

How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Please help. There are ten so far and they have invited their gross friends to our home. They are using the broken lightbulb to smoke crack off of.

Buy Jokes More Buy Jokes

Why did Simba buy a motorcycle?

So he could mufasa.

What is the driest soda you can buy?

Baking soda.

God Jokes More God Jokes

What did the ancient Egyptian cheerleader chant?

THERE IS ONE GOD, HE IS THE SUN GOD! RA! RA! RA!

Why can't priests have children?

Because choir boys can't get pregnant, thank God.

Long Time Jokes More Long Time Jokes

How many psychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes a really long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change...

What do you name a girlfriend you haven't had for a long time?

Palmela Handerson