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Long Time Jokes

Whats the difference between a guy who has a new Mercedes and a guy who has an old Mercedes?

The guy who has a new Mercedes is rich. The guy who has an old Mercedes has been rich for a longer time.

Love
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What's long and hard every time you wake up?

Getting out of bed. You never feel like it making hard to get up and you usually take a long time to.

What's the longest time in which you haven't consumed alcohol?

My record is 21 years.

What did fish on the kitchen bench say to the other fish?

Long time no sea.

What do you call a virus named Enza that causes the flu?

A flu Enza. Thanks a lot everyone, I looked forward to this day for a long time.

How many psychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but it takes a really long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change...

Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom?

Because he was fighting the Klingons.

What do you name a girlfriend you haven't had for a long time?

Palmela Handerson

What's the difference between an American and a Briton?

Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.

What did the blind man say to his estranged friend?

Long time, no see.

What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend?

Long time no sea.

Your Age Is Only Math
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How long you two been married?

It's been thirt- (wife shaking head) teenish twenty- (still shaking) for a long time.

What's the difference between Americans and Brits?

Brits think 200 miles is a long distance, Americans think 200 years is a long time.

Why was the blonde staring at the box of orange juice for a long time?

Because it said "CONCENTRATE"

What type of truck takes a very long time to reach its destination?

A log n truck.

What did the blind man say to the blind man?

Long time no see.

What's next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

Why did Woodrow Wilson take a long time to turn around?

Because he could only make 14 point turns.

What did the fish skeleton say?

Long time, no sea.

How old is your Grandma?

I dunno but we've had him a long time.

When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone?

Two days seems like a long time.

Everyday Deserves a Joke
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8 Jokes More 8 Jokes

Why did 6 and 8 dislike 7?

They thought 7 was pretty odd.

What is the square root of 69?

Ate Something! ("8 something", actually 8.306)

Area Jokes More Area Jokes

What's the difference between Tinder and the PokemonGo app?

Nothing, it both requires swiping to find monsters in your area.

What do you call the area between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

Silicon Valley

Excuse Jokes More Excuse Jokes

Who these days is hard "Is your person white?

Excuse me " "Is your person white " "I don't see skin color I just see people"

Why did the Russian man keep making excuses?

He was just stalin for time

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

What you hope someone might say about you when they approach your casket?

Hey, I think he moved.

What did King George think of the American colonists?

He thought they were revolting!

Time Jokes More Time Jokes

How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

What's the difference between Valve and uranium?

Uranium gets to its half-life on time.

Elizabeth Jokes More Elizabeth Jokes

What's Lisbeth's twin sister's name who enjoys spending time on the internet?

Elizabeth.

Why are firetrucks red?

You see, firetrucks have 4 wheels, can carry 8 men and 4+ 8 = 12. There are 12 inches in a ruler and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler. There was once a ship named Elizabeth that sailed the seas. Fish live in the seas and fish have fins. People from Finland are called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a long time ago. Russia has red on its flag and that's why they're red. Cause they're always Russian around.

Day Jokes More Day Jokes

When is the earliest time of day Nintendo fans play games?

The Wii hours of the morning.

What did Santa get the day after Christmas?

Diabetes

12 Jokes More 12 Jokes

What has 12 hands, 12 legs, and 12 eyes?

12 pirates.

What is the best offensive joke you have? Can you make me laugh?

Read all the other threads. I need new content. The old stuff is getting, well old. Here's my contribution. Have you head of the new drinking game? The mike brown special: stand there and take 12 shots. What's the difference between mike brown and a college kid? College kids can handle more shots before they fall down.