American Jokes

What do you call a tear in the American flag?

An old glory hole.

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What are the loud, metal things that the Japanese hit?

American ships.

What do you call an American communist?

Manifesto Destiny

What did the Ukrainian say to the whiny American?

Crimea River.

What dog would you want on your American football team?

A golden receiver!

What do you call it if you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community?

That's a reservation reservation reservation. (Credit to Brian Regan)

How many American cops does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

Two. One to arrest the room for being black, and the other to arrest the bulb for being broke.

How many American cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

How many American golf fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1001 1 to offer up the bulb and 1000 to scream 'Get in the hole'

How many American presidents does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

None, broken lightbulbs have the rights to be treated as a normal lightbulb.

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

None. According to Trump, they outsourced it to India & China.

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How many Americans does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. Their President outsources the job to India.

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, that's a Mexican's job.

How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They stick the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them!

If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in there?

European

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Invent Jokes More Invent Jokes

How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?

They were very impressed!

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?

Gets arrested*

French Jokes More French Jokes

How do we know that Joan of Arc was French?

She was maid in France!

Why do the French always were white when pole vaulting?

So people can see them surrender from afar. Edit: wrong form of the form "wear"

Love Jokes More Love Jokes

What happens when a question mark and an exclamation mark love each other very much?

They interrobang!(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interrobang)

What's the difference between a Catholic Priest...... and an e-cigarette-puffing GI Joe Action Figure collector?

Well, one is a toy-loving vapist...

Long Distance Jokes More Long Distance Jokes

What's the difference between Americans and Europeans?

For an European 500 Miles is a long distance, for an American 500 years are a long History

What's the difference between Americans and Brits?

Brits think 200 miles is a long distance, Americans think 200 years is a long time.

American History Jokes More American History Jokes

What do you call the most successful vasectomist in American history?

American Snipper

What two things look exactly the opposite but mean exactly the same?

9/11 and 11/9 - darkest days in American history

Road Jokes More Road Jokes

Why do all travelers use the road to get to Jordans most popular destination?

Because they're all Petra-flied of using the air!

Why did the Canadian cross the road?

Because that's the direction his car was sliding.

Thing Jokes More Thing Jokes

Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

What's the last thing someone wants to hear while blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson.

Plead Jokes More Plead Jokes

How do you plead?

Defendant: Not quilty.

What would American Psycho 3 be called if it had Martin Shreli as the lead actor?

American Psycho 3: Pleading the Fifth