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Damn Jokes

What did the beaver say when he fell in water?

Dam it.

Love Card

Love Card

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam.

What makes fish smell?

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes "Damn!" A bad skydiver goes "Damn!"

What's the difference between a bad golfer, and a bad skydiver?

The golfer goes " Damn!" The skydiver goes "Damn! "

What's a Jackhammer's Best Friend?

Cast Steel! Bahahahahah! You know! Cause it has a poor dampening value it vibrates so much! They um. They both vibrate. Well ok. One vibrates, the other reciprocates. That's kinda... Hehe. Heh. Reciprocate my humor damn it!

What does Shakespeare say when he is angry with his dog?

Out, out, damned Spot!

What did Einstein's dad say when he published his theory of relativity?

Damn, son. It's about time!

How many house flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just the standard two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there.

When one gun says to the other, "Damn dude, those are some nice bullets, where'd you get them?

The second gun says, "In some old magazine I found."

What did Shakespeare say when his dog messed up the carpet?

Out, damned spot! Out, I say!"*

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Whoa that's a lemon, how much did you pay?

Only $3,200" Dude it's literally a piece of fruit "Damn....not again"

Why do I have a temperature of 101.3?

Me: Maybe you're pregnant Wife: What's wrong with you *damn you webMD, damn you.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

LONG) Damn.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

The bad golfer goes::Whack:: "Damn it!" The bad sky diver goes "Damn it!"::Whack::

What did the person say when a flood struck his house?

Damn it!

What's in the bottle?

Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What! That Jesus! He did it again!"

Where do we go?

Me: Left Axl: Where do we go now Me: Straight. Axl: Oh, where do we go now Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

What did the atheist say when he found himself at the Pearly Gates the day he died?

Well I'll be damned!

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Smell Jokes More Smell Jokes

Why does it smell so bad in Russia?

Everybody loves Putin!

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts

Golfer Jokes More Golfer Jokes

Why did the golfer wear 2 shirts when he went golfing?

In case he got a hole-in-one!

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole-in-one.

Find Jokes More Find Jokes

What do you find in a rythmic bakery?

A-bun-dance

Where will you find the best jokes?

Not on /r/jokes

Bad Skydiver Jokes More Bad Skydiver Jokes

What's the difference between a bad golfer, and a bad skydiver?

The golfer goes " Damn!" The skydiver goes "Damn! "

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes "Damn!" A bad skydiver goes "Damn!"

Lightbulb Jokes More Lightbulb Jokes

How many members of Coldplay does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but he'd have to watch Radiohead do it first.

How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. Five. One.

Bath Jokes More Bath Jokes

What do a Yugo and a bath have in common?

You can't step out of them in public.

What breed of dog loves to take a bath?

A shampoodle

Smoke Jokes More Smoke Jokes

What's the water polo team's favorite song?

Smoke on the Water, because they are always getting roasted.

What is Harrison Ford called when he smokes weed?

Han So-high.

Crash Jokes More Crash Jokes

Why wasn't the son of God worried when Microsoft Word crashed while he was writing his term paper?

Because Jesus saves.

Why did the people's phones stop working on the plane's that crashed into the twin towers?

They were in airplane mode. (I'm so sorry)