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Damn Jokes

What did the beaver say when he fell in water?

Dam it.

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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Your Age Is Only Math

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam.

What makes fish smell?

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes "Damn!" A bad skydiver goes "Damn!"

What's the difference between a bad golfer, and a bad skydiver?

The golfer goes " Damn!" The skydiver goes "Damn! "

What's a Jackhammer's Best Friend?

Cast Steel! Bahahahahah! You know! Cause it has a poor dampening value it vibrates so much! They um. They both vibrate. Well ok. One vibrates, the other reciprocates. That's kinda... Hehe. Heh. Reciprocate my humor damn it!

What does Shakespeare say when he is angry with his dog?

Out, out, damned Spot!

What did Einstein's dad say when he published his theory of relativity?

Damn, son. It's about time!

How many house flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just the standard two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there.

When one gun says to the other, "Damn dude, those are some nice bullets, where'd you get them?

The second gun says, "In some old magazine I found."

What did Shakespeare say when his dog messed up the carpet?

Out, damned spot! Out, I say!"*

I Love Pizza & You

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I Love Pizza & You

Whoa that's a lemon, how much did you pay?

Only $3,200" Dude it's literally a piece of fruit "Damn....not again"

Why do I have a temperature of 101.3?

Me: Maybe you're pregnant Wife: What's wrong with you *damn you webMD, damn you.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

LONG) Damn.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

The bad golfer goes::Whack:: "Damn it!" The bad sky diver goes "Damn it!"::Whack::

What did the person say when a flood struck his house?

Damn it!

What's in the bottle?

Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What! That Jesus! He did it again!"

Where do we go?

Me: Left Axl: Where do we go now Me: Straight. Axl: Oh, where do we go now Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

What did the atheist say when he found himself at the Pearly Gates the day he died?

Well I'll be damned!

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Feel Jokes More Feel Jokes

What feels good in the west but feels cotton in the East?

Happi-ness

Why does Caitlyn Jenner feel like her kids see though her?

I guess she is trans parent now Edit: *through

God Jokes More God Jokes

What do you call the god of cheese?

Cheesus

What's that machine for?

Oh, that's the forklift" ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS

Cup Jokes More Cup Jokes

Who's the most popular guy in the nudist camp?

The one who can carry two cups of coffee AND a dozen donurs!

What's black, cheap, and not worth a damn?

A cup of decaf

Bath Jokes More Bath Jokes

Why did the robber take a bath?

So he could make a clean getaway.

What can we do to stop polluting our waters?

Pupil: Stop taking baths

Eve Jokes More Eve Jokes

What didn't Adam and Eve have that everyone else has?

Parents.

How do we know God likes condoms?

Because Adam was ribbed for Eve's pleasure

Eden Jokes More Eden Jokes

How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?

A. They were really put out.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

What do you call a snowman who cons people?

A snowfake.

How do you know that someone you met is a Harvard graduate?

He already told you so.

Highschool Jokes More Highschool Jokes

What did the fish say when it crashed into a wall?

Damn! (This is my go-to joke that someone told me in highschool like 7 years ago. Felt like sharing it.)

What do you call a nerd after highschool?

Boss