Carpenter Jokes

What does a crappy Carpenter make?

Loose stools

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What do you call a carpenter who needs fewer nails?

Jesus

What did the car-painter say to the carpenter?

You sound just like me!

How can you tell if a carpenter is happy?

Check his spirit level.

How is Jesus different from other carpenters?

Unlike other carpenters, Jesus may actually return one day

How does a carpenter effectively build stairs?

He thinks one step ahead

What did the carpenter say to the girl he loved?

Oh sweetheart, you are the eye of my maple....

Why did the Carpenters wife leave him?

Because he was screwing around.

How do historians know that Joseph wasn't Jesus' dad?

Because when you're a carpenter in the desert you can't get wood.

Why does no one want to work in the yard with a carpenter?

Because they take a fence to that.

What's the difference between Jesus and other carpenters?

Jesus may actually return some day.

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Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter?

God: Uh huge grin cos I'm banging his wife raises hand up top

Who was the first carpenter ever?

Eve, she made Adam's banana stand.

How to be Like Jesus 1. Be a carpenter. 2. Be a nice guy. 3.?

4. Prophet.

What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

Why the carpenter is always constipated?

Because his stool so hard!

Why did the carpenter join the army?

Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

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What has eyes but can't see?

Hellen Keller

What do you call jokes about eyes?

Vitreous humour.

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How do you congratulate the guy who won the best tie contest?

You tell him... "that's definitely a win sir". Or if he did ok you can say you half win sir i suppose.

What am I supposed to do with this computer now?

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Karen Carpenter Jokes More Karen Carpenter Jokes

What is the opposite of Karen Carpenter and John Denver duo?

Two Live Crew

What's Karen Carpenter's Phone Number?

8 nothing, 8 nothing, 8 nothing.....

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

Why don't you?

Because I can't think of a single thing to say!

What do a married guy and a single guy have in common?

They both think the other one gets laid more.

Screw Jokes More Screw Jokes

How many minimalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2 but how they got in the light bulb I will never know

Measure Jokes More Measure Jokes

What does a cow measure its harddrive in?

Moogabytes

How do you measure a Lego minifigure's shoe size?

In square feet.

Crucify Jokes More Crucify Jokes

What did they call Jesus Christ when he was crucified?

Holy

What does a British midget get when he is told he is going to be crucified?

He gets a little cross.

Check Jokes More Check Jokes

What do you have to use to check a test on Telemarketing?

A Scamtron.

Why does Heisenberg hate driving?

He gets lost every time he checks the speedometer.