Crap Jokes

What did the fisherman say to the sewage management person?

Would you pull that crap with a net?

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What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes "Whack, crap!", and a skydiver goes " Crap, whack!".

What's so meta that you almost crap your pants?

Metamucil

Why is Coolio always able to play craps?

He's got a gangsta's pair a dice.

What do you call it when a dog craps on your rug?

Carpet bombing.

What do you call it when Superman craps his pants?

Undy-terd.

What do you call a speech so scary it makes you crap your pants?

A dire rhetoric.

Which plant talks the most crap?

Shiitake mushrooms.

What does a bad salesman and a toilet have in common?

They are both full of crap.

How long does it take for a White woman to take a crap?

9 Months.

What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda?

Civic doody.

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What does British toilet paper and John Wayne have in common?

It's rough, and tough, and doesn't take any crap.

What do you get when a ghost takes a crap?

Rectoplasm.

What would a diatomic Calcium molecule look like if existed?

Like Crap or Feces (its the same) WHY Because its Ca=Ca (equal sign is a double bond)

What'd you do this weekend?

I was shooting craps. "Oh you went to a casino " *flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

What do you call a coffee made with frothy milk that tastes like crap?

A farte

When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?

I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.

Why did the baker's hands stink?

Because he needed a crap.

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Whack Jokes More Whack Jokes

What is the biggest similarity between the average Redditor and a lumberjack?

They both sleep all night and whack all day!

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes "Whack, crap!", and a skydiver goes " Crap, whack!".

Holy Crap Jokes More Holy Crap Jokes

What goes in God's Toilet?

Holy crap.

What did Ghost A say to Ghost B?

Nothing because ghosts don't exist. Edit:Holy crap I just realized I didn't post this on /r/antijokes.

Pant Jokes More Pant Jokes

What do I have?

Someone else's pants.

Why no pants on?

We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

Shiitake Jokes More Shiitake Jokes

Which plant talks the most crap?

Shiitake mushrooms.

Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?

He was sick of all its shiitake.

Speech Jokes More Speech Jokes

Why does Bernie always hold the podium while giving a speech?

It's tough to stand on your own when you have no spine.

What do you call a speech so scary it makes you crap your pants?

A dire rhetoric.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

What's the difference between a pest and vermin?

Walt Disney.

Carpet Jokes More Carpet Jokes

What did the carpet enthusiast say to his mistress?

I haven't had hard wood in 15 years.

What do you call a skinned, animal-throwrug for your vehicle?

A carpet.

Mushroom Jokes More Mushroom Jokes

What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everyone a drink?

The fun guy

Why don't fairies live under toadstools?

Because there's not mushroom!