Crap Jokes

What did the fisherman say to the sewage management person?

Would you pull that crap with a net?

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What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes "Whack, crap!", and a skydiver goes " Crap, whack!".

What's so meta that you almost crap your pants?

Metamucil

Why is Coolio always able to play craps?

He's got a gangsta's pair a dice.

What do you call it when a dog craps on your rug?

Carpet bombing.

What do you call it when Superman craps his pants?

Undy-terd.

What do you call a speech so scary it makes you crap your pants?

A dire rhetoric.

Which plant talks the most crap?

Shiitake mushrooms.

What does a bad salesman and a toilet have in common?

They are both full of crap.

How long does it take for a White woman to take a crap?

9 Months.

Why don't asians like to applause?

Because every time they do all they do is crap

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What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda?

Civic doody.

Why do happy Asians always have dirty hands?

If you're happy and you know it, crap your hands.

What the difference between the U.S. Government and a bucket of crap?

The bucket

What does British toilet paper and John Wayne have in common?

It's rough, and tough, and doesn't take any crap.

Why are constipated people so rude?

They don't give a crap

What do you get when a ghost takes a crap?

Rectoplasm.

What would a diatomic Calcium molecule look like if existed?

Like Crap or Feces (its the same) WHY Because its Ca=Ca (equal sign is a double bond)

What'd you do this weekend?

I was shooting craps. "Oh you went to a casino " *flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

What do you call a coffee made with frothy milk that tastes like crap?

A farte

When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?

I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.

Why did the baker's hands stink?

Because he needed a crap.

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Shiitake Jokes More Shiitake Jokes

Which plant talks the most crap?

Shiitake mushrooms.

Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?

He was sick of all its shiitake.

Applause Jokes More Applause Jokes

Why don't asians like to applause?

Because every time they do all they do is crap

What do you call a terrible performance of Han Solo: The Musical?

A rebel without applause.

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

Why do hipsters drink their Jello?

They want to have it before it's cool.

What do we want? Low flying plane noises! when do we want em?

Nnneeeeeeeeyyyyyoooooowwwww

Play Jokes More Play Jokes

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?

Nobody will look for them.

What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common?

Neither of them can finish a play

Slap Jokes More Slap Jokes

Why do doctors slap babies bums when then are born?

Because the balls fall off of the stupid ones.

Why did the customer slap the cashier?

Because he was checking her out.

Whack Jokes More Whack Jokes

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes "Whack, crap!", and a skydiver goes " Crap, whack!".

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?

The bad golfer goes::Whack:: "Damn it!" The bad sky diver goes "Damn it!"::Whack::

Pant Jokes More Pant Jokes

Why did the python return his pants?

They were too constricting.

What does a dog like to wear when it's exercising?

Pants.

Rug Jokes More Rug Jokes

How do u kno the deceased?

I was his drug dealer. "Louder for the tape " leans in I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

Why are there rugs in front of the stove and the sink?

So women know where to stand in the kitchen.