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Politician Jokes

What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?

They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.

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Why I don't joke about politicians?

Because I don't joke about jokes.

What do politicians and diapers have in common?

Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

What is the best way to stop a politician?

A really strong gust of wind.

What signal tells you that a politician is lying?

The lips are moving

How can you tell when a politician is lying?

When their lips move

What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?

Thief: They steal your money then run Politician: They run and then steal your money

What did the RAM stick say to the politician?

I'm PC2!

What do politicians do for fun?

Rave at the party.

What's the difference between a politician and a computer?

Logic

What is the best place for politicians?

Election posters. There they are portable, silent and easy to remove.

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What's the difference between a robber and a politician?

Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.

What do diapers and politicians have in common?

They both need to be changed after a while for the same reason

How do you know when a politician is lying?

Their mouth is moving.

Why doesn't God want to argue with Satan?

Because Satan has more politicians to help him.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.

How is a broken clock better than a politician?

The clock is still right twice a day.

What's the difference between a cat and a politician?

A cat will lie your face. A politician will lie your face.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to change it, and the other one to change it back again.

Why is heaven a paradise for the common man?

Because all the politicians are in hell.

What does a sperm and a politician have in common?

They both have a one in 100 million chance of being human.

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What's the difference between a statesman and a politician?

A statesman is a dead politician. God knows we need more statesman.

What's the difference between a church bell & a politician?

A church bell peals from the steeple.

What's the difference between a politician and an actor?

One acts solely for money, the other is the actor.

How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

What do sperm and politicians have in common?

About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.

Why is being a politician more difficult than being a ventriloquist?

Ventriloquists have to be able to speak with their mouths closed. Politicians speak out of both sides of their mouths simultaneously.

How do you know you're golfing with a politician?

When they get a hole-in-one they write down *zero* on the scorecard.

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

What's the only thing politicians stand for?

Reelection.

What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda?

Civic doody.

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What do politicians and sperm have in common?

About 1 in every 600 million has a chance of becoming a human.

What's the most dangerous place in Washington D.C.?

Between a politician and a news camera.

How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

You hold the lightbulb and every politician screws you!

What do cannibals and politicians have in common?

They both enjoy handshakes.

Why are politicians buried 6 feet under?

Because deep down, they're good people.

What do you call a politician in a house fire?

Burning Sanders!

Why do politicians take laxatives?

So they can speak more fluently

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change it and another one to change it back again.

How cold is it outside?

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

What's the difference between a church bell &amp a politician?

A church bell peals from the steeple.

What's the difference between a bad mechanic and a politician?

With the mechanic, there's a shot something might get fixed...

What did the cannibal make of the politician he just met?

Pork and bologne sammiches.

What did the politicians say after taking a huge bong hit?

What's Allepo

How can you tell that a politician lies?

His lips are moving

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.

What's a politicians favorite kind of dance move?

Poll dancing!

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Hear Jokes More Hear Jokes

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

The p is silent.

What happened to the egg when it heard the joke?

It cracked.

Need Jokes More Need Jokes

What did the triangle need to do before he could get a loan?

He needed somebody to cosine.

How does a blond cross the road?

A brunette is on a busy street across from a department store she needs to visit, and is looking for an intersection to cross over when she spots a blonde walking out of the store. The brunette waves and calls out over the traffic noise, "hey there! How do I get to the other side?" The blonde looks confused and calls back, "you ARE on the other side!"

Change Jokes More Change Jokes

How many applicants does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but 200 applied for the job.

How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb?

11. 1 to change the lightbulb & 10 to take 200 photos of it & clog my newsfeed.

Stand Jokes More Stand Jokes

How many friendzoned guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None they all stand around complementing it then get mad when it wont screw. Heard from my friend

What do you call a guy who stands under a bull?

Understandabull

Good Way Jokes More Good Way Jokes

What's the best way to get to the front page?

Post good stuff. Please up vote To FP!

What is the best way to speak to a ghoul?

From a long ways away.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

I wouldn't pay 50 to have a lentil on my face...

How can you tell the difference between a thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Band Jokes More Band Jokes

What are the 5 best Vegetables of all time?

Tink about it. Gai lan, gai lan... gai lan, gai lan, and gai lan. (thanks to Chapelle show skit((making the band)))

What band does Santa listen to while delivering presents?

Slayer.

Mouth Jokes More Mouth Jokes

What has teeth but no mouth?

A comb or a saw.

Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into your mouth?

Because it doesn't taste as good if I stuff it in my ears.