Puppy Jokes

What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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What do you call a puppy with autism?

Aww-tistic

What did the gold say when it saw the puppy?

Au.

What's the best part about getting a puppy?

Getting new shoes every week.

What's the difference between a puppy and a kernel of corn?

Nothing. They both explode when nuked in the microwave.

Why did Ellen Pao punch the puppy?

Cause shes terrible.

What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy?

A puppy eventually grows up and stops whining. Thanks to PuddinHead742 for this one.

Where do puppies go when they die?

Back into the microwave so I can get in another round.

What do you call a puppy in the desert?

Anyone else got some fun jokes your kids have told you?

How do you unload a truck load of puppies?

With a pitchfork

What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Do you know yet Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper?

RUFF!

Why is it called a "litter" of puppies?

Because they mess up the whole house!

What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia?

A puppy.

What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?

If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour it'll probably stop whining.

What if I see a puppy?

What if my house burns down

What's worse than a puppy nailed to a tree?

A puppy nailed to 7 trees.

How about an office party?

ME: crosses out "replace coworkers with puppies" I guess

What do you call a puppy combined with bread?

Well, It's not a purebread anymore.

How long have you felt like this?

Ever since I was a puppy!

What do you call a puppy with a camera?

A furtographer

What do you call a litter of puppies who've been out in the snow?

Slush Puppies

What did the puppy say when it sat on sandpaper?

Ruff

When she asks "is that your puppy?

Say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.

Why do you love your puppy more than you love your wife?

Because the puppy only knows the tricks you taught her

How do you get a puppy to stay the same size forever?

You stop feeding it.

What do you call someone who molests puppies and kittens?

A Petophile

How did you get those horrible burns?

Flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

Why can't we edit tweets?

Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."

How do you know when you should get a puppy?

When life's getting a little ruff...

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7 Jokes More 7 Jokes

Why was 6 scared?

Because 7 was a 6 offender.

What has 8 legs and 7 arms?

Def Leppard

Post Jokes More Post Jokes

Why do Gypsy's walk funny?

Because of their Crystal Balls EDIT: I'm not sure if anyone's posted this before my mum's sister emailed her from across the globe.(New Zealand) I laughed so hard I thought I'd put it here. Credit goes to my Mum's sister though.

Why do the ghosts never win races?

Because they're always dead tired. I stole this from plain and simple. Just straight up stole it. Why? Because it made me laugh and I didn't see it posted here before.

Room Jokes More Room Jokes

What do you get when you have Tiger Woods, Stephen Hawking, and Dwayne Johnson in the same room?

An Animal, a Vegetable, and a Mineral.

Why does Poesche keep their engines in the back?

To leave more room for Paul Walker in the Front..

Surgeon Jokes More Surgeon Jokes

What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work?

Suture self!

What man knows the way to a girl's heart more than any other?

A surgeon.

Host Jokes More Host Jokes

What happens when you mock the host of Diners, Drive-In's, and Dives?

The guy gets fierious.

What do you call an immoral lesbian citizen of Rivendell who hosts a talk-variety show and lacks character?

An elven degenerate.

Kernel Jokes More Kernel Jokes

What's the difference between a puppy and a kernel of corn?

Nothing. They both explode when nuked in the microwave.

Why did the chicken jump into the bag of popcorn?

The kernel was looking for him.

Screw Jokes More Screw Jokes

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Somewhere between 0 and infinity.

How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?

One, although it's probably screwed in too tight anyway.

Good Jokes More Good Jokes

What's the good part about having alzheimer's?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

What's the best part of an ISIS joke?

The Execution. Hehe...get it? No? Fine I'll be-heading off now.