Yesterday Jokes

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

They weren't born yesterday.

This joke may have profanity.

What happened on Reddit yesterday?

A pao-erful change

Who ever said time cannot be bought?

I bought some thyme yesterday.

What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?

Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)

Why did I rob the bank?

For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.

What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

What would you call it if pigs were flying yesterday?

Swine flu

What kind of turns do letters take?

U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

What's the best way to see yesterday's front page?

9GAG

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.

What do you want to work on today?

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

What's the craic?

2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.

Which day is the most agreeable?

Yesterday

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

What did you do for Mothers Day yesterday?

Mothers Day is this upcoming Sunday.

Who is your best friend?

Robert" "Since when is Robert your best friend " "Yesterday."

Why can't you trick an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday

What do you call a Mexican baby born yesterday?

Diego

What is the chemical formula for water?

Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about " Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Where is 5?

Student: Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

How can you be so sure?

I was 10 years old yesterday.

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Cook Jokes More Cook Jokes

What do you call chow mein cooked in tomato sauce?

Impasta

Whats the hardest part of cooking a potato?

Signing the legal guardian paperwork

Second Jokes More Second Jokes

Two guys walk into a bar...

The first guy says "Ouch!" and the second says "Yeah, I didn't see it either."

What do you call a man with a flamethrower?

2. What do you call his first victim 3. What do you call his second victim 1. Bernie 2. Crispin 3. Ash

Post Jokes More Post Jokes

What shoes are hard to wear?

Dark Soles Terrible gaming pun. My friend posted this on FB, thought I would share.

Why do the ghosts never win races?

Because they're always dead tired. I stole this from plain and simple. Just straight up stole it. Why? Because it made me laugh and I didn't see it posted here before.

Pao Jokes More Pao Jokes

What's Pao's favorite Chinese dish?

Infant children.

What happened on Reddit yesterday?

A pao-erful change

Rob Jokes More Rob Jokes

Why did the Baker rob the Banker?

Cause he knead that dough......... Sorry I'm drunk

Why did the baker rob the deer park?

He kneaded the doe. (Doesn't work too well in text)

Fly Jokes More Fly Jokes

What do you call someone who crashes flying dinosaurs into buildings?

A pterrorist

Why is your brother always flying off the handle?

Second Boy: Because he's got a screw loose!

Happen Jokes More Happen Jokes

What would happen if you crossed Magilla Gorilla with a Saint Bernard?

It would drink the brandy it would carry and act like a big Gorilla!

What happened to the Mexican after he took heroin for the third time?

He over 'd

Stock Market Jokes More Stock Market Jokes

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?

At the stock market