Nut Jokes

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...

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What's the best trade a palindrome has ever made?

A nut for a jar of tuna.

What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety?

Squirrels they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.99 deer nuts are under a buck

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

How can you tell that truckers like nuts?

They always have pecans! (Read aloud)

Why did my friend get a screw in her pizza?

She is allergic to nuts.

Which nut could pimp the Prince of Darkness?

Mack-a-Dameon.

What do you call a group of scientologist almonds?

Nuts.

What does an asylum have in common with a squirrel's house?

They're both used to store nuts.

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How many nuts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A Brazilian

What's the difference between America and cereal?

You can get cereal without nuts.

What did the psychiatrist say to the patient that showed up wearing Saran Wrap and nothing else?

I can clearly see your nuts!

What did the pirate say when his wife kept asking him about the steering wheel in his pants?

Yargg! Woman! Stop asking me! You're driving me nuts!

What did the web designer do when a hot girl walked up to him and squeezed his nuts?

He AJAXulated.

What is the most well educated type of nut?

Macademia.

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar twenty five, deer nuts are under a buck

What did the pirate say about the steering wheel in his pants?

Arrg, it's driving me nuts!

Why type of nut do Wallflowers like?

Walnuts

What did the pirate say after his first-mate stuck the wheel in his pants?

ARGHH! You're driving me nuts!

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What does a doughnut have in common with a nut?

They dough nut have anything in common.

What's the difference...?

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar and deer nuts are just under a buck.

What do you call a donkey throwing nuts?

An astronaut.

Why did the baby squirrel wear a diaper?

To hide his nuts!!

What kind of nuts go on your feet?

Cashews.

What did the bolt say to the nut?

Washer? I don't even know 'er!

What did the pirate say after he pulled a steering wheel out of his pants?

It's driving me nuts!

How do you grow a cow?

Plant its nuts.

What does the Pillsbury Dough boy hide under his apron?

Dough nuts!

What did the pirate with the steering wheel in his pants say?

Argh it's driving me nuts!

Why do robots make bad lovers?

Nuts &amp bolts!

What do you call a robot that doesn't support his children?

Nuts and bolts

Why was the Eunich Squirrel unhappy?

Because he had no nuts.

What is a Pokemon's favorite kind of nut?

A Pi-cashew

How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut.

What did the handyman do... when he got his girlfriend in bed with him for the first time?

He screwed, nutted, and bolted.

What does a mechanic do for a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

What is in a virgin candy bar?

Cherries and nuts

What do you call a nut on a wall?

A walnut! What do you call a nut at the beach A beech nut! What do you call a nut in the toilet A peanut!!

What do robots do on a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

What did the Psychiatrist say to the naked man wrapped in surran wrap?

Well I can clearly see your nuts

What did one nut say to the other?

Nut-thing!....

Whats with the wheel on your john?

The pirate replied, "Arrg it's driving me nuts!"

What's six inches long, has two nuts, and gives women big bellies?

Almond Joy.

What are the cheapest kind of nuts?

Deer nuts, they're under a buck.

What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand?

He screws, nuts, and bolts

What happens when you turn a cashew in to the police?

You bust a nut

What the hell is a steering wheel doing there?

The pirate replies: "Arr, it's been driving me nuts"

What sounds do nuts make when they sneeze?

Cashew

Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?

The pirate says, "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"

Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?

Because they are both surrounded by nuts.

What did the pirate with a steering wheel in his pants say when he couldn't remember why it was there?

Arrrh, it's driving me nuts

What's up Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?

Dads in unison DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

Which nut is the angriest?

The pistachio.

What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap?

Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

What does a nut say when it sneezes?

Cashew.

What did the pirate say when he had a steering wheel down his pantaloons?

Arr! It's driving me nuts!

Why do robots make bad boyfriends?

They just screw, nut, then bolt.

What did one nut say as he chased another nut?

I'm a cashew!

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What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a small child?

Eric Clapton would never let a small bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

How are beer nuts like deer nuts?

You can find a small bag of each under a buck.

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What's the difference between Beernuts and Deernuts?

Beernuts are $8.95 and Deernuts are under a buck!

Why did the hillbillies save some doe?

Because they knew it would give them a buck in good time.

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Why did the police officer arrest the pop machine?

It was selling coke.

What's A Columbian's Favorite Kind of Drink?

Coke.

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Why did Vana White run off the stage of Wheel of Fortune?

She had a bowel movement during her vowel movement.

What did the car say when it's front wheels were stolen?

I don't want to go anywhere. I'm two tired.

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What did the Psychiatrist say to the man who walked in wearing nothing but plastic wrap?

I can clearly see ur nuts.

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Why are elephants so poor?

Because they work for peanuts

What did the elephant say to the naked guy?

That thing sure is cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

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Which dinosaur walks with a limp?

A Myfeetasaur

Which one is the 'in' door?

Let me show you", says the manager, and 'e walks in.

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What's the cheapest kind of noodle you can buy?

Penne.

What are the cheapest kind of nuts?

Deer nuts, they're under a buck.