Peanut Jokes

What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit?

An astronut.

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Why did the circus animals go on strike?

The elephants found out that they were being paid peanuts compared to the rest of the troupe and the ringleader was taking the lions share.

What do you get when you cross peanuts and almonds?

Deez Nutz

Why are elephants so poor?

Because they work for peanuts

What did the elephant say to the man?

Cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?

What did the elephant say to the naked guy?

That thing sure is cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

What do you call peanuts in space?

Astronuts!

Why is the peanut crying?

Because he couldn't handle his roast

Why did the peanut go to jail?

He was a-roasted peanut.

What kind of peanuts get warts?

Planters.

Why was the peanut rushed to the hospital?

He was a"salted"

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Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War?

Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!

Why do you have rashes every time you get your salary?

Employee: I am allergic to peanuts.

What did the pea say to the peanut?

At least you got one nut, I don't see what you're crying about.

What do you call a peanut with a cold?

Cashew! she was so proud of herself for making me laugh with this one.

What did the peanut say to his wife before he left?

I'll be back in a jiffy

What do you call a nut on a wall?

A walnut! What do you call a nut at the beach A beech nut! What do you call a nut in the toilet A peanut!!

How do you say the word "peanuts" without the letter "t"?

Think about it.

Why was the peanut so salty?

Because it got R O A S T E D

What do you mean, Johnny?

Is it shaped like a peanut " "No," says Johnny. "It's salty"

Why are Gorillas underpaid?

They're willing to work peanuts!

What did people call the Nutty Professor before he became a professor?

Mr. Peanut

What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

Why do elephants prefer peanuts to caviar?

Because they're easier to get at the ballpark.

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Russian Jokes More Russian Jokes

What's the russian royalty's favorite type of fish?

Czar-dines!

Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?

Because he was a cagey bee agent.

Almond Jokes More Almond Jokes

What happens when almonds die?

Diamond

Why is it called an "almond" in the tree but an "amond" when it falls to the ground?

When it falls to the ground, it knocks the 'ell out of it.

Jail Jokes More Jail Jokes

Why was the paper man sent to jail?

He was caught rustling.

Why did the tree go to jail?

Treason

Rest Jokes More Rest Jokes

Why does a montonegran man keep a chair next to his bed?

So he can have a rest after he gets tired from waking up.

Why did the police shoot the black insomniac?

He resisted a rest.

Base Jokes More Base Jokes

Why did the baseball player fail at the math test?

He used base 3.

What do you call a legless nun?

Virgin immobile. Loosely based off the nun in a wheelchair joke.

Space Jokes More Space Jokes

Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?

He wanted to find Pluto!

What do you call a cashew in space?