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Kleptomaniac Jokes

Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things, literally.

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What do you call someone who takes things literally?

A kleptomaniac!

What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

Why don't kleptomaniacs get jokes?

Because they take everything literally.

What do you call someone who takes everything literally?

A kleptomaniac!

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

Because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)

Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?

He was taking a sheet.

Why is it so hard to explain metaphors to a kleptomaniac?

Because they always take things... Literally

What did a kleptomaniac say on 90% sale?

It was an absolute steal!

Everyday Deserves a Joke

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Everyday Deserves a Joke

Why did the kleptomaniac dislike the insultingly boisterous man with a cleft palate?

He couldn't take any more lip!

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

Why was the kleptomaniac frustrated by that joke "why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

He couldn't take a joke.

Why can't puns be explained to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns?

Because they always take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs ever get puns?

The take everything, literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns?

They always take things literally.

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P.S. Jokes More P.S. Jokes

How do you get banned from a subreddit without breaking the rules?

Post something humorous in. P.S: Is there anyway to ungild myself?

What did the English teacher write when she needed to borrow money?

An AE I.O.U. P.S. Im proud of this one

Dislike Jokes More Dislike Jokes

Why do people dislike going to the dentist?

Because he is boring.

Why are there no guys named William serving in the army?

Because they dislike the phrase "Fire at Will"

Lip Jokes More Lip Jokes

Why do hipsters burn their lips when they drink tea?

Because they drink it before it's cool.

What signal tells you that a politician is lying?

The lips are moving

Explain Jokes More Explain Jokes

What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late?

Your spinning me a yarn here!

Why don't White Elephants run?

Because they Ele-cant....Can somebody explain this to me? (Seriously, I don't get it, is it like Elegant?)

Time Jokes More Time Jokes

What can relax you and drown you at the same time?

A one-hour facial.

What do you call a duck traveling south that enters a time warp and meets itself traveling north?

A pair of ducks.

Run Jokes More Run Jokes

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

Curses! Foil again!

Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?

He had a bee in his suit of armour!

Sheet Jokes More Sheet Jokes

What do you call a ghost at midnight?

A sheet in the dark!

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?

Sheet

Humor Jokes More Humor Jokes

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

What's the shortest book in the world?

Deutscher Humor!