Retire Jokes

What do you call a retired professional swimmer?

Washed up.

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on Thanksgiving)

Why can't truck drivers ever fully retire?

Because they can only semi retire.

What Do You Call Bob The Builder When He Retires?

Bob.

Where did the engine go after he retired?

To live in a motor home

What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common?

They both plat no more.

Why did the Computer Engineer retire young?

He had a lot of cache.

What did the photographer say when he retired?

I can't take it anymore!

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?

Pat

What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp?

I don't know. I'm retiring next month.

What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?

Bob.

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How do magicians retire?

They seem to just disappear.

Why did the tire pop?

Because it retired.

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything?

The mythbusters and ghostbusters.

What do you call a fly when it retires?

A flew.

What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table?

I don't knead you anymore.

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts?

Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent "Rax on, Rax off"

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger do after he retired?

He became an ex-Terminator!

What's the fastest branch of the military?

The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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Which is more environment-friendly: Facebook or r/jokes?

Facebook produces too much plastics while r/jokes has 100% recycling rate.

What do you call a humpless camel covered in plastic?

Llamanated

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How many RothChilds does it take to change a light bulb?

There still working on it...

What do you call it when you smoke weed and work out at the same time?

Getting all high and mighty

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What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?

Bob.

How do you call Bob the Builder when he is unemployed?

Bob

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What did one ISIS member say to another?

IED mubarak..

What did the pirate tell his littler sister when she asked if she could hold his parrot?

ISIS

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Whats your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich. Genie: Granted, what's your second wish Rich: I want lots of money.

What do you call a guy who wants to join the mile high club by himself?

A high-jacker.

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What does a mathematician deal with when finished their work?

The aftermath

What do mathematicians call retirement?

Aftermath

Dad Jokes More Dad Jokes

Who was that coughing in the background?

Me: Oh, that was Denise. Dad: Oh, da' niece I thought it was da' nephew. Buh dum tsssssssss

What's a man?

Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally, cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom

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Why is everyone in an Internet cafe hungry?

Server Not Found.

Why are people from Arkansas so good at Science?

Because they use the Theory of Relativity to find a partner.