Retire Jokes

What do you call a retired professional swimmer?

Washed up.

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on Thanksgiving)

Why can't truck drivers ever fully retire?

Because they can only semi retire.

What Do You Call Bob The Builder When He Retires?

Bob.

Where did the engine go after he retired?

To live in a motor home

What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common?

They both plat no more.

Why did the Computer Engineer retire young?

He had a lot of cache.

What did the photographer say when he retired?

I can't take it anymore!

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?

Pat

What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp?

I don't know. I'm retiring next month.

What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?

Bob.

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How do magicians retire?

They seem to just disappear.

Why did the tire pop?

Because it retired.

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything?

The mythbusters and ghostbusters.

What do you call a fly when it retires?

A flew.

What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table?

I don't knead you anymore.

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts?

Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent "Rax on, Rax off"

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger do after he retired?

He became an ex-terminator!

What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?

1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired

What's the fastest branch of the military?

The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.

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What do you call an attractive bee who goes to bars?

A bar-bee!

Why is a train a bad person to go to the bar with?

Because all he says is "Chug Chug Chug"

Quit Jokes More Quit Jokes

Why did the mountain climber quit halfway through his climb?

He really wasn't feeling up to it.

What did Pinocchio say to Rudolph when he asked him what he asked for Christmas?

Quit being nosey.

Trucker Jokes More Trucker Jokes

What do you call a trucker that doesn't drive anymore?

Semi-retired.

How can you tell that truckers like nuts?

They always have pecans! (Read aloud)

Performer Jokes More Performer Jokes

What happened to the performer who read poetry to terminally ill patients?

He suffered an elegiac reaction.

What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on Thanksgiving)

Die Jokes More Die Jokes

What are the most racist jokes you know?

There were 3 car accidents in Mexico 70 people died. What do you call a bunch of black people in a swimming pool? Coco puffs.

Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!

Bob Builder Jokes More Bob Builder Jokes

What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?

Bob.

How do you call Bob the Builder when he is unemployed?

Bob

Find Jokes More Find Jokes

What's the difference between awkward and awful?

Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?

On squid row!

Save Jokes More Save Jokes

Did you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world?

It was legend dairy.

Why do men like love at first site?

A. It saves them a lot of time.