Retire Jokes

What do you call a retired professional swimmer?

Washed up.

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on Thanksgiving)

Why can't truck drivers ever fully retire?

Because they can only semi retire.

What Do You Call Bob The Builder When He Retires?

Bob.

Where did the engine go after he retired?

To live in a motor home

What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common?

They both plat no more.

Why did the Computer Engineer retire young?

He had a lot of cache.

What did the photographer say when he retired?

I can't take it anymore!

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?

Pat

What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp?

I don't know. I'm retiring next month.

What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?

Bob.

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How do magicians retire?

They seem to just disappear.

Why did the tire pop?

Because it retired.

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything?

The mythbusters and ghostbusters.

What do you call a fly when it retires?

A flew.

What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table?

I don't knead you anymore.

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts?

Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent "Rax on, Rax off"

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger do after he retired?

He became an ex-terminator!

What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?

1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired

What's the fastest branch of the military?

The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.

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Silk Jokes More Silk Jokes

Whatever happened to silk underwear?

Fell through the cracks.

Why are all the plants at the retirement home made of silk and plastic?

Because everything that stays there just ends up dying.

Thanksgive Jokes More Thanksgive Jokes

Why is Thanksgiving such a special holiday at the gas station?

It is a day to be tankful.

Why don't you want a turkey at your Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it'll gobble up everything.

Retirement Jokes More Retirement Jokes

How did the dungeon keeper plan for retirement?

Collecting stocks and bonds.

How do dogs save for retirement?

With a Ruff IRA.

Stay Jokes More Stay Jokes

What did the yoga teacher say to her land lord when he tried to evict her?

Nah Imma stay

What do you call a stay at home dad?

Unemployed.

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? A: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing the chickens.

What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?

Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."

Performer Jokes More Performer Jokes

What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on Thanksgiving)

What happened to the performer who read poetry to terminally ill patients?

He suffered an elegiac reaction.

Aftermath Jokes More Aftermath Jokes

What does a mathematician deal with when finished their work?

The aftermath

When does Eminem leave school?

Aftermath

Accountant Jokes More Accountant Jokes

What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

His desk is level

Why did the accountant go crazy?

He started to hear invoices in his head.