Dad Jokes

Dad: Where is the best place to hide an elephant? Me: I don't know, behind a big rock? Dad: In a tree silly. Me: In a tree? Dad: When's the last time you saw an elephant in a tree?

Whats the best part about dating a black girl?

You rarely have to meet their dad.

What do you call a dad that works at a grocery store?

Baghdad

What did the cow say when she got hit by a car?

Moo." What did the cow saw when she fell into a ditch? "Moo." What did the cow say when she fell onto the electric fence? "Moo." What did the cow say when she got hit by a train? "Why does everything always happen to meeee?" Protip: My dad wrote this joke for me when I was six.

What do you call a dad without jeans?

A potato.

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What did the baby computer call his dad?

Data!

How many dads does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to put it in and one to complain that he never screws anything anymore.

What did Simba say to his dad when he was moving too slow?

Mufasa!

What do you call a kid who's dad is Jamaican and mom is Chinese?

Rastafriedrice

What is the difference between confident and confidential?

Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential."

What does a National Geographic magazine or a JC Penney catalog have in common?

Sorry, the punchline is the joke. If you don't get it, ask your dad.

Why do Kenyans always win marathons?

At the end, they get a bag of chips and a Coke. -My dad told me this joke when we went to a race-

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I told them nothing.

What do all my friends and my dad have in common?

I didnt have either growing up

Why do Vampires make poor project managers?

Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders. (why yes, I am a dad why do you ask)

What's your excuse?

Well my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!

Where do dads keep their jokes?

In their dadabase.

What did the bicycle call its dad?

Pop-cycle

Why did the Dad divorce his wife after she named their son?

She named him Oedipus.

Why did the dad say the joke instead of act it out?

Because it was cheesier said than done.

How's my dad?

Dr:I'm afraid he's in critical condition *shout from inside room "You've never lived to up to your potential!"

Why are you always tired, Dad?

My 3-year-old asked as she woke me from a nap by poking me in the eye.

What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom?

If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy

What's a man?

Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally, cares about you and protects you. Kid: When i grow up, I'll be a man like mom

Why do Mexican students act like they own the school?

Because there mom cleans it and there dad fixed the roof

How do you hold a pirate rabbit?

With its buccaneers!

What's the worst thing about owning a console?

Memories of your dad leaving you are in 30fps

Why is Simba an orphan?

Because his dad couldn't Mufasa 'nuff

Who is the coolest guy in a hospital. The ultra sound guy. Whos the coolest when he is off?

The hip replacement guy. /dad

Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions

What do you call a smoothie that came out too thick?

A chunky. Credit to my dad this morning..

Why'd you name me Carson, dad?

You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It's time for tablemeal.

What's the cheapest present for an ophan?

A tattoo with dad

How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure yells up to me son, you live with this guy now!

What did they sew you up with?

Cat gut.

What is Santa's favorite type of cookie?

Ask your dad.

Who is the best Native American to have around when you have a cold?

The Hanky chief (Yes this is all my own work, I thank you) No I am not a dad

Why are your nails painted two different colors?

Daughter: Dad. It's an accent color. Dad: ... Dad: Can I hear it

Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden?

We're raising mashed potatoes.

How hard is it to find cigarettes?

Because my dad has been gone for 13 years looking for them.

When your kid asks you (daddy is it time to go crazy?

You don't know what to say until you wife reply's (idk go ask you dad.) what do you say My little joke

Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?

In a moooo-tel.

What does A&ampW stand for?

Amburgers &amp Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.

What did the dad say when his daughter gave him gravel for his birthday?

Thanks for sediments

What do my dad and God have in common?

I've never seen or heard from either of them.

What do you call people who use the pull-out method?

Mom and Dad.

Who do women produce milk for?

The baby and the dad.

What is it son?

Son: Boys are gathering into our yard! Dad: ...How many boys Son: All of them... Dad: MY MILKSHAKES!

What's the difference between a boy and a girl?

His dad answers, "Well, there's a vas deferens!"

What has four legs but isn't alive?

The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!" "Not this time son, our dog is dead"

What's worse: ignorance or indifference?

Johnny", responds his dad, " I neither know nor care." Edit: granma grammar.

WhatsApp and SMS?

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and your doorbell ringing at 3am?

It's your dad.

What will you have sir?

Bear: "Gin............ and tonic." Bartender: "Why the big pause " Bear: "I dont know my dad had them too."

When dad Waits to see you on thanks giving Son:We just Ate Dad:OK so you can be here at 5?

Son:We'll see Son:how does the turkey smell Dad: I guess through its Beak

What's up Dad Party!" dads go nuts "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?

Dads in unison DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

What's a swear word?

Me: A bad word moms and dads only say when they're mad.3:Me:3: Is my middle name a swear word

How did the pig get out of the tree?

The swine flu.

When she asks "is that your puppy?

Say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.

What does a Pokemon baby say to his dad in Star Wars?

Waba Fett

What's up dog?

Dad: Just chilling homie, what's up with you!

Where did our son go?

What son *Dad cries with joy

What's your dad do?

Kid: My dad He's an actor Me: Why Couldn't you get a real dad

What do you say when you catch a deer with no eyes?

I have no-eye-deer! (Unless you're a dad, you may need to sound it out)

What do we call a wireless mouse?

Hamster.

What sort of a car has your dad got?

I can't remember the name. I think it starts with T. Really - Ours only starts with gas.

What did the gangster's son tells his dad when he failed his examination?

Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I told them nothing!!!

Who was that coughing in the background?

Me: Oh, that was Denise. Dad: Oh, da' niece I thought it was da' nephew. Buh dum tsssssssss

What is the difference between wealth and poverty?

And the dad says: 'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!'

Why did the dad make the joke?

For the pun of it.

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?

Yep, people are just dying to get in there

Dad, can you put my shoes on?

I don't think they'll fit me.

What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice?

A Popsicle.

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