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Shut Jokes

Why are there no nightclubs on Venus?

They shut down because they had a toxic atmosphere

Love
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Why is a beer like a woman?

After you drink one you can't shut up or drive.

How do you get a guitar player to shut up?

Put sheet music in front of him

Why do Republicans make good DJs?

Because they know how to shut the House down.

Why can't you talk to spiders who get shut in pianos?

They'll B flat

What does the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?

Shut the door im dressing

What does it mean when a lion roars?

Shut up. The movie is about to start.

Why was Jesus I such good shape?

Crossfit. Why did the Romans hate Jesus so much? He wouldn't shut up about crossfit.

What did the cat say when I shut him in the refridgerator?

I don't know, I couldn't hear him through the door.

What fried food will shut your neighbor's dogs up?

Hushpuppies.

Why could the crab not find a pair of shoes in his size?

Child labor laws forced all the shoe factories to shut down.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes
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What did one fish say to the other?

Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.

Which one do you let in?

The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Why are pigs such early risers?

Did you ever try to shut off a rooster

What's the Difference between a Wife and an Attic Door?

An attic door can shut up. im going to hell

What do we call that one small worm that won't shut up?

A chatterpillar

When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth?

When his lips are shut.

What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella?

The umbrella can be shut up.

What's the difference between a dog barking at the front door and a woman screaming at the back door?

If you let the dog in, it will shut up.

What do you call a conservative toothbrush that won't shut up?

Brush Limbaugh

Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?

Me: Boss: Me: Shut the door when you leave

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships?

With their eyes shut!

What does an envelope say when you lick it?

Nothing. It just shuts up.

Why did the dry cleaners get shut down?

The owner was arrested for money laundry-ing

What do you call a seagull that lives by the Bay?

I don't know, but it won't shut up about the app it's developing.

Why did the man shut his donut shop?

Why did the man close his donut shop...because he was fed up with the hole business!

Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted "shut your hole" at him?

Babe, it's a valve!

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, "Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?

Then I wonder if it knows something I don't.

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Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?

When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No

How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?

There's whiteout on the screen.

Eye Jokes More Eye Jokes

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?

I have my eye on you.

When she read the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?

I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."

Good Dj Jokes More Good Dj Jokes

Why was the clumsy vegetable farmer a good dj?

Because he dropped the beet.

Why do bad farmers make good DJs?

Because they've got sick beets!

Body Jokes More Body Jokes

Why does a giraffe need such a long neck?

Because its head is so far away from its body.

How many bodies do you have buried there?

My attempts at small talk.

Start Jokes More Start Jokes

How did God make Himself?

I have to remember to start getting high before bedtime.

Why did the sailboat start exercising?

It wanted to get into ship-shape. HA!

Gandalf Jokes More Gandalf Jokes

Why is Gandalf's cupcake shop so successful?

Because he has a magical staff.

Why does Gandalf prefer coupes?

Because other cars have Mordor.

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones?

I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones

Why did the fish cross the ocean?

Watching the National Geographic channel always makes me wonder how animals like fish manage to travel thousands of miles,and how they know where to go. Then I realised they can measure distances so well because they have their own scales.

Baby Jokes More Baby Jokes

Howdo you stop a baby from running in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?

And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?