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Thousand Jokes

How does a blonde count a thousand sheep?

She counts the legs, and divides by 4.

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What do you call a thousand lawyers, chained to the bottom of the ocean?

A start.

What do you cal a campsite trampled by thousands of tiny insects?

A gnatural disaster.

What's the difference between a Blues musician and a Jazz musician?

A blues musician plays 3 chords to audiences of thousands. A jazz musician plays thousands of chords to audiences of 3

What begins with P ends with E and has thousands of letters?

The Post Office

Why did the fish cross the ocean?

Watching the National Geographic channel always makes me wonder how animals like fish manage to travel thousands of miles,and how they know where to go. Then I realised they can measure distances so well because they have their own scales.

What's the difference between rock and jazz?

Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church.

What do the Post Office and a shoe store have in common?

Thousands of brown loafers

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church.

What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel?

I'm sorry to leave now that I've almost bought the place.

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What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

What kind of laptop calls you a thousand times?

A dell

What two words have thousands of letters in them?

Post office.

What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years?

Pete.

What's the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle?

The candle is a thousand times brighter!

How is Michael Jackson like the thousands of people outside Times Square on New Year's?

Once the balls drop, They're no longer interested!

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?

Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years Pete.

How many times do I have to tell you this Mom?

I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can't take out the garbage.

Why didn't the sun have to attend university?

It's already got thousands of degrees.

How do you make a tiramisu?

With a thousand Gigamisous

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Why "Trojan" condoms?

Didn't the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out Less than stellar marketing.

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Jazz Jokes More Jazz Jokes

What's the difference between rock and jazz?

Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.

What do you call a pachyderm that sings jazz?

Elephants Gerald

P Jokes More P Jokes

What's the difference between LSD and LDS (Latter Day Saints)?

One you take with a sugar cube, the other with a grain of salt

Why was the 'P' irate?

Because his peg leg made him go 'R'

Chain Jokes More Chain Jokes

What do you call a thousand lawyers, chained to the bottom of the ocean?

A start.

Why did Mr. T reject Socialism?

Because he stumbled across a quote by Karl Marx which said: "All you have to lose is your chains."

Divide Jokes More Divide Jokes

Why can a number divided by zero never be found in the dictionary?

Because it's undefined.

How do sheep divide candy?

They all get their fair shear

People Jokes More People Jokes

What's the difference between most people and planes?

Most people miss the twin towers.

What do you call people who teach their kids to use abstinence as birth control?

Grandparents.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

What do dwarves use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesars

How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?

Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

Chord Jokes More Chord Jokes

What chord does a piano make when it drops on a child?

A-flat minor

Why couldn't the chord get into the bar?

She was A minor.

E Jokes More E Jokes

What should you do if you get lots of e-mails saying 'What's up Doc?

What's up Doc ' Check for bugs in your system.

What begins with P ends with E and has thousands of letters?

The Post Office