Excuse Jokes

How long is a China-man?

Excuse the question mark, "How Long" is in fact a China man.

Everyday Deserves a Joke

What excuse did the unemployed cellist give for going Dutch with his date?

He's flat Baroque...

What did the poop said to the other poop?

Poop: Please don't push. It's already tight in here! Poop to Pee: May I go first? Meanwhile, Fart pushing everyone to the sides.. Fart: Excuse me! Excuse me! I need to go!

What does the window do when the sun shines on it?

It gets Blinded I excuse myself out.

How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table?

He says, "Gourmet I be excused?"

What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.

Who is Thor?

A very worn-out thuper hero. (An excerpt from Brother Time and the Turtle: More Excuses for Jokes: )

What's your excuse?

Well my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!

How do you hit those high notes?

Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil. Interviewer: Excuse me Adam Levine: Practice.

What food should you avoid if you don't want to go to court?

Sue-shi! I'll excuse myself.

Why should I excuse your dear aunt Sally?

Her operations were not unprecedented.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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What did the pony say after he coughed?

Excuse me, I'm a little hoarse.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

What's the difference between Snow White and the Brazil soccer team?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

Why did the Russian man keep making excuses?

He was just stalin for time

When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone?

Two days seems like a long time.

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Date Jokes More Date Jokes

Why should I date you?

Girl - Give me 1 good reason, why I should date you? Guy - I'll give you 69.

Why shouldn't you kiss anybody on New Years Day?

Because it's the first date.

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

What did the scarecrow say when the farmer asked him in for dinner?

No thanks, I'm stuffed.

When she got in front of the judge he asked, "first offender?

She replied, "No. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

800 Jokes More 800 Jokes

Why did the spud lover set his alarm for 8:00?

Because he wanted to get a-po-ta-to clock. to make joke more apparent

What is a caffeine addict's excuse for drinking coffee in the evening?

It's 8:00 somewhere!

Need Jokes More Need Jokes

How are college students like plants?

They both need natural light to survive!

Why do cows need four legs to walk?

Because they lactose. Moo

Russian Jokes More Russian Jokes

Where do Russians get their milk from?

From Moscow

How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving?

He's Russian to Turkey.

Apologise Jokes More Apologise Jokes

Where's the best place to apologise to someone?

Surrey.

How does Schrodinger apologise?

Sorry not sorry

Sun Jokes More Sun Jokes

What flower loves to be in the sun?

Sunflower.

What gets less rain than the Sahara Desert?

The sun!

Side Jokes More Side Jokes

What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

His desk is level