Excuse Jokes

Why do the rich enjoy tending to their gardens?

Because the they have an excuse to buy hose

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How long is a china-man?

Excuse the question mark, "How Long" is in fact a china man.

What excuse did the unemployed cellist give for going dutch with his date?

He's flat Baroque...

What did the poop said to the other poop?

Poop: Please don't push. It's already tight in here! Poop to Pee: May I go first? Meanwhile, Fart pushing everyone to the sides.. Fart: Excuse me! Excuse me! I need to go!

What does the window do when the sun shines on it?

It gets Blinded I excuse myself out.

How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table?

He says, "Gourmet I be excused?"

What do you call a Russian ninja?

Shneakoff (I apologise, this is my first ever post so I'm using that as my excuse)

What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.

Who is Thor?

A very worn-out thuper hero. (An excerpt from Brother Time and the Turtle: More Excuses for Jokes: )

What's your excuse?

Well my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!

What would you like?

ME:What would YOU like W:Excuse me M:No one ever asks you, do they W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.

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How do you hit those high notes?

Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil. Interviewer: Excuse me Adam Levine: Practice.

What food should you avoid if you don't want to go to court?

Sue-shi! I'll excuse myself.

Why should I excuse your dear aunt Sally?

Her operations were not unprecedented.

How do you find a white person in the condiment aisle?

UM EXCUSE YOU THAT'S RACIST!!!!----oh look, there they are!

Which perfume do you use?

It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife." Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist with a Jehovah's Witness?

Knock knock knock... excuse me sir, but do you have a few minutes to discuss nothing

What did the pony say after he coughed?

Excuse me, I'm a little hoarse.

Who these days is hard "Is your person white?

Excuse me " "Is your person white " "I don't see skin color I just see people"

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

What's the difference between Snow White and the Brazil soccer team?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

Why does the KKK like Christmas?

Because it's the one day that they have an excuse to hang coloured balls from trees.

Why did the Russian man keep making excuses?

He was just stalin for time

When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone?

Two days seems like a long time.

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Garden Jokes More Garden Jokes

What's the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

What did the priest say when watering his garden?

Let us spray.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

What do you use to clear the air of stupid?

A HERPA filter

How do you save a drowning mouse?

Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!

Good Time Jokes More Good Time Jokes

What language do pirates speak?

Arrrrrrabic! A friend and I were extremely high and he thought of this.Good times.

What was the best time in history for the Italians?

The Marin-era

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a pizza, and this joke?

One has cheese on it, the other's just plain cheesy.

What's the difference between Batman, and a black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin. Ba-Dum-Tis!!!!!!!

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

How many wiseguys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who's asking

What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?

Play ball.

Dutch Jokes More Dutch Jokes

Why is a cow that he jumps?

Because he higher and higher. (I translated the joke from Dutch, and yeah it's supposed to not make any sense, it just sounds funny, in Dutch at least. :-$)

Why don't the dutch have a space program?

Their spaceships Netherland.

Chef Jokes More Chef Jokes

Who made this Christmas pudding?

Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it Elf-raising flour of course.

Why did the cannibal stab the chef with a toothpick?

To see if he was done cooking.

Hose Jokes More Hose Jokes

What did the mexican fire chief call his 2 sons?

Hose A and hose B (read it out loud)

Why are fire trucks red?

You would be too if someone was pulling on your hose all day.