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Measure Jokes

How do computers measure pain?

Gigahurts. (Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)

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How do you measure how sad someone is?

With a blues scale

Why do rappers make bad carpenters?

Because they measure 5.5 to 6 inches as 8 to 13 inches.

How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

What is Buddhism measured in?

Oooohms

Why do we call rulers "Your Highness"?

Because that's what they measure.

Why should you always rent, rather than buy, a multimeter that measures ohms?

Because it's easier to follow the path of leased resistance.

Why did the fish cross the ocean?

Watching the National Geographic channel always makes me wonder how animals like fish manage to travel thousands of miles,and how they know where to go. Then I realised they can measure distances so well because they have their own scales.

How do you measure a Lego minifigure's shoe size?

In square feet.

How do you measure love?

In hertz!

How do you measure a Lego figure's shoe size?

In square feet.

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How do you measure how funny an electrical engineer is?

You use an o-silly-scope!

How do pirates measure rope?

In yarr'ds.

What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops?

Demeter.

What's the biggest fish you ever caught?

That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...." "That's not so big!" "Between the eyes "

What do you call a scientist that measures things in space?

A cosmetrologist.

How do cows measure time?

In mooments

How do you measure pain?

In Hertz.

How do you measure a Villanova graduate's I.Q.?

With a tire gauge.

Why do we measure snakes in inches?

Because they don't have any feet!

Why are you prodding me with that ruler?

Im measuring your patience

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What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?

Both are measured in revolutions per minute.

What does a cow measure its harddrive in?

Moogabytes

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Number Jokes More Number Jokes

What do you get when you put a number 1 and a number 2 on your calculator?

A huge mess.

How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?

Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.

Lease Jokes More Lease Jokes

Why couldn't the dwarves renew their lease on the Lonely Mountain?

It failed the Smaug test.

Why should you always rent, rather than buy, a multimeter that measures ohms?

Because it's easier to follow the path of leased resistance.

Watch Jokes More Watch Jokes

What kind of movies do pirates watch?

ARRRR Rated Movies!

What game are you watching?

I wonder what she thought I was doing with my hands.

Crop Jokes More Crop Jokes

What did the crop say to the Farmer?

Why are you picking on me?

Why did the man who stole my crops take aspirin?

Because he had my grains

Travel Jokes More Travel Jokes

Why are you packing condoms for a sailing trip with 10 guys?

I'm saying "Just in case." Now I'm traveling with a bigger case.

How fast can you travel in any direction in an airport?

Terminal velocity.

Rapper Jokes More Rapper Jokes

Which joke has the maximum HOT Nuns in it?

You don't know none.. And here to learn one.. So when you are with your friends.. Or walking with your son.. Tell them reddit jokes.. thinking now they would listen... (to you) play it cool, play it slow.. No need to blow.. Take this further, take this far.. till sang by a star. (Improvise it as you like, don't care about the grammar. No rapper does.)

What do you call a rapper who masterbates a lot?

Lil Wayne-ker

Inch Jokes More Inch Jokes

What is the difference between ooh and aah?

Just three inches.

Why am I not asleep?

He thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Car Jokes More Car Jokes

Where do cars get the most flat tires?

Where there is a fork in the road.

Where do dogs park their cars?

In barkinglots.