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Monday Jokes

What do you call a person who's happy on a Monday?

Unemployed.

Birthday State of Mind
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What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday?

A bit late, but.... A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.

What fundamental force compels physicists to go to work on Mondays?

The week force.

What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet?

I need to know before my court date on Monday.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday?

Tell her a joke on a Monday!

How is today Monday?

It was Friday only a few hours ago...

Why do blondes work seven days a week?

So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

What's the best thing about Portugal?

You never have to carry your bags because of all the porter-geese. Thankyou, im here till Monday!

Why do physicists have such a hard time figuring out why their experiments fail Monday through Thursday?

Causal fridays.

Why did the electrician close early on Mondays?

Because business was very light.

What would be a terrible name for a new beer?

Q: What would be a terrible name for a new beer A: "Mondays"...because no one would EVER want to buy a case of the Mondays...

Your Age Is Only Math
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Why can't you lift weights on Monday?

It's a week day.

What do hamburger workers say on Monday morning?

Well it's back to the old grind!

What do you call a person who enjoy mondays?

Unemployed

Why are you all so excited it's Friday?

Monday will be here in 5 minutes.

Why does Garfield hate Mondays?

He doesn't have a job.

How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?

So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.

What are your plans for Easter?

Husband: Same as Jesus.. Wife: What do you mean Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!

How many consultants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I'm not sure but I'll have an answer for you next Monday.

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Buy Jokes More Buy Jokes

How does a composer remember which groceries to buy?

She writes a Chopin Liszt.

How does Bill Gates fix a broken lightbulb?

He buys a new house.

Blonde Jokes More Blonde Jokes

Why did the blonde call an exterminator?

Her computer had a bug...

Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?

Because she didn't know which one came first!

Close Jokes More Close Jokes

How'd you sleep last night?

Son says: "umm... With my eyes closed " Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl.

Why did the man shut his donut shop?

Why did the man close his donut shop...because he was fed up with the hole business!

Person Jokes More Person Jokes

What do you call a person who knows 3 languages?

Trilingual. What do you call a person who knows 2 languages Bilingual. What do you call a person who knows only one language American.

Who wouldn't let the gorilla in the ballet?

Just... the person responsible for making those decisions...

M Jokes More M Jokes

How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean. The attorney said, Im here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. "Thats quite a coincidence," said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything. The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat?

6: no M: oh for the bath 6: no M: the pool 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

Thursday Jokes More Thursday Jokes

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi.

Why do physicists have such a hard time figuring out why their experiments fail Monday through Thursday?

Causal fridays.

New Beer Jokes More New Beer Jokes

What do you call the debut of a new beer?

A saison premiere!

What about that new beer... by Peter Cotton Ale?

It's made with more hops!

Seven Day Jokes More Seven Day Jokes

What does seven days without exercise make?

One weak!

Why should a honeymoon only be six days?

Because seven days makes a whole week.