Scratch Jokes

What do you say to Harry Potter when he has a mosquito bite he can't stop scratching?

Quidditching

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What would Ronald Reagan be doing if he were alive today?

He'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, "Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!"

Why did the dog scratch itself against the tree?

Ruff Bark

What do you give a Greek man with a scratchcard?

A coin to scratch it with.

What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

How do you build a flea circus?

You have to start from scratch.

Why does homemade bread not make your throat itch?

It's made from scratch

How do you get rid of an itch?

Start from scratch.

How do you make a flea circus?

From scratch.

What would Kim Jong-Il be doing if he was still alive today?

Scratching at the lid of his coffin.

What's the most useful material?

Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

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What does a child with stickers have in common with a cocaine addicted DJ?

They both love to scratch and sniff. (sorry if it's a repost I'm not here often)

How'd you get the scratches?

Flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.

Where have you been?

He asked. "To my mother-in-law's burial." "Then why the scratches on your face " "She kept resisting, that old fart."

What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?

You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!

Why can't DJs play pool?

They always scratch.

What is the difference between a dog and a viola?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

What would George Washington do if he were alive right now?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?

Scratching at the inside of her coffin. Courtesy of my dad.

How did the flea learn to use the internet?

He had to start from scratch.

How do you find where a flea has bitten you?

Start from scratch!

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What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

Why did the man call his horse Fleabag?

Because he was often scratched!

Why are there scratches all over your face?

Jujitsu training" You can scratch in jujitsu "It's my cat's best move"

Why is Vanilla Ice scratching his head?

Lice. Lice, maybe.

What do you call the loser in a hissing scratching cat fight?

Claude

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Lid Jokes More Lid Jokes

What would Hellen Keller be doing if she were alive today?

Clawing at the lid of the coffin.

What would Ronald Reagan be doing if he were alive today?

He'd be scratching at the lid of his coffin yelling, "Let me out! I'm alive! Let me out!!"

8 Jokes More 8 Jokes

What do you call a group of 8 hobbits?

A hobbyte Cortana told me that joke

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

Swimming Pool Jokes More Swimming Pool Jokes

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

Why am I ambivalent about a swimming pool?

It just deepends.

Let Jokes More Let Jokes

What Pixar movie will Rick Astley never let you borrow?

He's never gonna give you Up! Credit to my friend who doesn't even Reddit.

What's the one movie that Rick Astley won't let you borrow?

He's never gonna give you Up.

Greek Man Jokes More Greek Man Jokes

Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?

So they know where to stop shaving.

What do you give a Greek man with a scratchcard?

A coin to scratch it with.

Start Jokes More Start Jokes

How do cheese strings work?

I started to laugh, but then I stopped. How do cheese strings work

How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

Greek Jokes More Greek Jokes

Why did the Greek philosopher break in two?

He was made out of Plato

Why is there such a big contrast between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?

Because they're different cultures.

Drown Jokes More Drown Jokes

What did Helen Keller do when she was drowning?

She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

What are you fishing for sonny?

Boy: I'm not fishing I'm drowning worms.