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Cop Jokes

What do you call a midget psychic running from the cops?

A small medium at large!

We've Got This Love Thing Down

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We've Got This Love Thing Down

Which cop writes poems about ravens?

Edgar Allan Po-Po

How many cops does it take the screw in a lightbulb?

The same number it takes to screw public confidence in law enforcement

Why did the cop stink?

Because he fell asleep on duty.

Why do cops make good farmers?

They're good at planting evidence.

What is the biggest obstacle in getting rich quickly?

Cops

Why couldn't the cop save the hippie from drowning?

He was too far out man

Why did the black guy loose all his money?

Because a cop robbed him.

Why do donut shops not hire security?

Because Cops go there willingly. Free security and protection.

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

Who is driving?

A cop.

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Love Card

Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln?

Because he was always in a cent.

Why can't the cops keep calm and carry on?

Because they carry guns instead

Why was the cop absent from work?

He had swine flu

What do you get when you mix a cat and a blender?

A visit from the cops.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Depends on how many cops planted it there

What can happen when a car breaks down?

A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

What do the cops do when they get a fly infestation?

Call in the swat team!

Why did the cop pull over the U-Haul truck?

He was trying to bust a move

How was the party last night?

17: It was fun. The cops came. Me: What 17: Nah, it's cool. We got away. Me: That's my girl.

What did the donut say to the cop?

Don't taste me, bro!

Birthday State of Mind

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Birthday State of Mind

Why did the cop wake up his son?

To stop a kid napping.

Why did the cops show up at the elementary school?

A 1st grader was resisting a rest.

How much have you had to drink?

Me: Like six carrot juices Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel

What do you call it when two cops dance?

Pork Grinds

Why did the cop climb the tree?

He worked for a special branch.

What did the cop say to the doughnut as he ate it?

Rest in **police**.

What do cops do at a buffet?

They pig out.

When a cop pulls you over and asks, "Papers?

Answer "Scissors." then drive away..

Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side?

So the cops can find the handles.

When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?

Do NOT respond with "I know, right!"

$Your Age Is Only Math$

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Your Age Is Only Math

How do I know you're not a cop?

If I was a cop, how would I have this " *shows police badge that just says 'Not a Cop' on it* Oh, okay good

Who were the participants?

Guy: ' The owner, the cop and me. '

How many calls do I get?

Cop: one me: What do you think is more likely a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel

Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there?

Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning Mr. Mayor." Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.

Why do the cops monitor the store that sells upper-case letters for computers?

It's a shifty business.

How do I know ur not a cop?

If I was a cop would I do this " *Starts break dancing* That's not as much proof as you think it is

What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?

Officer on doody.

What's the hurry?

Me: Nothing officer - Just didn't want to slow you down. Cop: I was pulling you over. Me: Well I get that. Now.

Why didn't Kevin from Home Alone call the cops when the burglars came around?

He was running a trap house.

How do I know you're not a cop -If I was a cop would I do this?

Starts breakdancing* Thats not as much proof as you think it is

What did the eggs say when the cops showed up?

Everybody scramble!

What does a libertarian apparition say to the cops?

Am I free to ghost

What's in the bottle?

Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What! That Jesus! He did it again!"

What did the painting on the wall say to the cop?

I've been framed!

What did the doughnut say to the cop?

Don't glaze me, bro

Why aren't you allowed to smile when taking your driver IDs?

Because you won't be smiling when the cops pull you over.

What did one cop say to the other cop while investigating a crime scene at a farm?

A rooster!

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Leap Jokes More Leap Jokes

What can happen when a car breaks down?

A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

Respond Jokes More Respond Jokes

Why do think that?

The boy responds "Because he closes his eyes when he kisses me."

What's that hangin' off ye?

The pirate responds, "arrr! I've no idea, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

Woman Jokes More Woman Jokes

How does a woman show she's planning for the future?

Plastic Surgery.

What book do you like the most?

Woman: "My husband's checkbook."

Close Jokes More Close Jokes

Why did the electrician close early on Mondays?

Because business was very light.

Why did the zoo close the big cat exhibit?

Because they just kept lion around!

Mean Jokes More Mean Jokes

Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?

He was a rough rider!

How a husband describe his wife?

Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Expose Jokes More Expose Jokes

What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air?

Pupil: It's stolen!

Which one do you like/hate?

217 Problems Springfield exposed Springfaild

Manage Jokes More Manage Jokes

How do you do it w/ 4 kids?

Hubs: With the door locked. Me: She means how do we manage...but yeah.

Why is ISIS so good at sports?

Even in high-intensity games they always manage to execute

British Jokes More British Jokes

Why did the midget who drove British cars get cabin fever?

He was mini cooped up for to long.

What did the British proton say after 5 cups of coffee?

I feel positively charged!