Garden Jokes

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can "hoe, hoe, hoe."

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Why do the rich enjoy tending to their gardens?

Because the they have an excuse to buy hose

What kind of gardening is done in the hood?

Weeding

How do you know which pepper in the garden is the nosiest?

It's the one that's jalapeo business!!!

What do you call an epileptic in the garden?

Seizure salad

What did the reindeer wear to protect itself while Santa was watering the garden?

Rudolph's red hose rain gear...

What do ladies-of-the-night do when in their garden?

They hoe it.

Where is your wife?

In the garden. -But I don't see her. -Oh, you just have to dig a little.

What do you get when you cross worms with elephants?

Big holes in your garden

What's white, digs holes in your garden and helps with headaches?

A paracetamole!

What do you get when you cross a garden, a rabbit, and some ExLax?

For the love of everything sacred on reddit please do not make me actually key the answer....okay, let's say it together, "Salad Shooter".

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What's brown and runs around your garden?

Your fence.

How do you stop your dog digging holes in your garden?

By hiding the shovel in the shed/garage

Why is the retirement center nicknamed "the garden"?

Because it is full of vegetables.

Why don't you tell secrets in a garden?

Because the corn have ears, the potatos have eyes and the beanstalk.

What's the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

What is the fiercest flower in the garden?

The tiger lily!

What did the priest say when watering his garden?

Let us spray.

What is your line of business?

Me mumbling: Treason stuff. Cop: Louder for the microphone. Me: Trees 'n' stuff. Gardening.

What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant?

Very big worm holes in your garden!

What does a pimp do when his garden needs tending?

He grabs a hoe.

Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden?

We're raising mashed potatoes.

What's left of a garden after it catches on fire?

Chard remains.

What is a dogs favourite flower?

Anything in your garden!

How do you make an apple puff?

Chase it round the garden

Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden?

He wanted to raise some hard cash.

What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?

It made him wed his plants!

How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?

A. They were really put out.

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?

Hide the ball it drives them nuts!

Where would men be without women?

The Garden of Eden

How do you stop a monster digging up your garden?

Take his spade away.

What do you call an epileptic frolicking in a garden?

Seizure salad.

What do you can an epileptic What do you call an epileptic in a garden?

Seizure salad. edit: fixed the word 'call'

What do you call an Irish man who lives in your back garden?

Patti O'Furniture

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How do you protect yourself from ghosts?

Hide in the living room.

Why should Steve Irwin have put on sunscreen?

To protect himself from the harmful rays.

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What did the reindeer wear to protect itself while Santa was watering the garden?

Rudolph's red hose rain gear...

What was Rudolph's nickname?

Names. Because they used to laugh and call him Names. Credit to my dad.

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Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?

Strippers don't rig their polls.

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 15 years.

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Why don't you buy Ukrainian underwear?

Because cher-nob'll fall out

Where do you buy a Walrus?

WalMart!

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What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?

He gives it a valenshine!

What do you do when you see a spaceman?

You park your car, man.

Rise Jokes More Rise Jokes

What would happen if you ate yeast and polish?

You would rise and shine.

How should a feudal lord deal with it when the serfs rise up?

Hang ten.

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What does Samuel Jackson say when he is mugging you?

What's in your wallet?

What is the difference between a magician and Bernie Sanders?

The magician returns your wallet at the end of the performance

Hood Jokes More Hood Jokes

Who delivers presents to the hood?

Crip Cringle.

What hood was the Swedish cholo from?

StockHOLMES!