Doctor Jokes

What did the doctor say to the speeding commuter?

Thank you for your patients.

I've Got a Whole Latte Jokes

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Why did the vampire go to the doctors?

Because he was coffin...

What do they call the doctor who released private health information after he got mad at his being given away?

A Hipaacrite

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?

Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

What do you call a doctor who is always on a phone?

An oncologist

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?

Because he didn't feel well.

Why was the doctor forced to leave work early?

The hospital ran all out of patience

What do you call a Tungsten Holmium compound with a Doctorate?

Doctor WHo

What did the doctor say to the Mesothelioma patient?

There's not much I can do, but I'll do asbestos I can!

Why did the doctor go on a ski trip alone?

He was part of doctors without boarders.

What did the pony say to the doctor when he had a sore throat?

I'm a little hoarse.

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How does an apple a day keep the doctor away?

When you take careful aim.

Why do computer teachers never get sick?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

What is the worst thing you want to hear from a doctor giving you a prostate exam?

Look ma, no hands!

What did the doctor say to the infertile Princess Bride?

Inconceivable!

Why couldn't The Doctor play baseball?

They couldn't figure out Who was on first (Sorry, if this has been submitted before, im new here)

Why is a doctor always calm?

He got a lot of patients

Why are doctors sued for malpractice at the beach?

Because they are judged by a jury of their piers.

Why are doctors always calm?

They have a lot of patients. Sorry.

What did the gentleman say to the doctor when he went to get his pus drained?

Please! I in cyst!

What is the cost of plastic surgery?

Doctor: It is near about 10,000$. Patient: Well, what if we arrange the plastic

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What do you call a person who got straight "D's" in medical school?

A Doctor.

What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S?

WD-4D

What did the doctor say to the man who couldn't pee?

Urine trouble!

What doctors shop at Barnes and Noble?

Doctors without Borders. Credit to Max Scoville.

How much time do I have left, doctor?

Doctor: 10 Guy: 10 what! 10 days, 10 months, 10 years Doctor: 9...8...7...6...5...

Which doctor?

I replied "No, a medical one."

What did the doctor say to the Fonz when he got sick?

You need to take your vitamin Ayy.

When do doctors get angry?

When they run out of patients.

Why did the house go to the doctor?

It was having window panes.

What did the router say to the doctor?

It hurts when IP.

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Wedding Night Jokes More Wedding Night Jokes

What do Russian women get from their husbands that's long and hard on their wedding night?

His last name.

What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

A new last name

Nurse Jokes More Nurse Jokes

Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school?

She wanted to be a nurse.

What the difference between a nun in a bathtub & a nurse in the bathtub?

One has soul full of hope & one has a hole full of soap... I'll walk myself out, sorry first post here

Plan Jokes More Plan Jokes

Why is moving to Canada always plan B?

Canada deserves to be plan eh.

How do astronauts plan a party?

They planet. (Plan-et)

Drug Jokes More Drug Jokes

What do you call Oprah on drugs?

Doprah

Where does the Lego man get his drugs?

His K'Nex!

Act Jokes More Act Jokes

How many members of an identifiable group does it take to perform a common task?

A certain number! One to actually perform the task, and the rest to act in a manner stereotypical of the group.

What did the right testlcle say to the left?

Look at this guy in the middle trying to act all hard

Widow Jokes More Widow Jokes

What's a woman who always knows where her husband is?

A widow.

What does a widow say when she wakes up?

Mourning

Haha Jokes More Haha Jokes

What's the difference between the United States and a yogurt?

That after 200 years, a yogurt can actually build a community.

What do you get when you watch a lumberjack chop down a tree?

Bored.

Husband Jokes More Husband Jokes

Why do you keep talking about my weight behind my back?

Husband: Because when I get round to the front I've forgotten what I was going to say

Why was Linda so mad on her wedding day?

Her soon to be husband forgot how to groom.