Doctor Jokes

Why don't they use Macs/iPads in hospitals?

Because using an Apple a day keeps the doctors away.

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What did Olivia Newton-John say to her doctor?

Lets get physical!

Why did you arrest that doctor?

Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse.

What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?

With any luck you'll be able to get up for a spell.

Why does John Cena always take awhile to feel better when he's sick?

Because the Doctor can never see him.

What did the doctor say to the prosecutor?

You're trying my patients!

Why is the Doctor an excellent chef?

He's a Thyme Lord

How much longer do I have doc?

Doctor: "Ten." Patient: "Ten what " Doctor: "Nine..."

Why did a physician go to prison?

His medical license was doctored.

Why was the doctor stressed?

He was losing his patients

What's the worst part about going to the doctor's and finding out you have diabetes?

You don't get a lollipop afterwards

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Why did the house go to the doctor?

He was having window pains I'm sorry

How much has this man had to drink?

Nurse: "I can't tell." Dr: "It's ok; you can tell me. I'm a doctor"

What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital?

When you ask the patients "what's the problem " They'll say "nothing"

Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head?

The tomato was in a can.

How's she now?

Him: Are you sure you're a doctor Me: Doct... No, I'm from IT.

What kind of doctors are like spiders?

Spin doctors!

What kind of doctor does a duck visit?

A Ducktor.

How high is it Doctor?

She wanted to know. 'One hundred and three' said the doctor. 'What is the world record '

Why did the doctor quit his job?

He ran out of patients.

What! why?

The doctor says "So I can examine you"

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Why did the whale have to go see his doctor?

His diet was krill-in him.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter

What did the doctor say to the speeding commuter?

Thank you for your patients.

What are we waiting for?

The doctor asks. "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."

Why did the vampire go to the doctors?

Because he was coffin...

What does it mean when a doctor has both hands on your shoulders?

The Prostate exam isn't going he way you expected

What do they call the doctor who released private health information after he got mad at his being given away?

A Hipaacrite

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?

Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

Why did my husband die?

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am" Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!" Doctor: "I know, but I did"

What do you call a doctor who is always on a phone?

An oncologist

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?

Because he didn't feel well.

Why was the doctor forced to leave work early?

The hospital ran all out of patience

What do you call a Tungsten Holmium compound with a Doctorate?

Doctor WHo

What did the doctor say to the Mesothelioma patient?

There's not much I can do, but I'll do asbestos I can!

Why did the doctor go on a ski trip alone?

He was part of doctors without boarders.

How bad are they?

Doctor: It depends, how old are you Patient: I will be 24 soon. Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.

Why doctor?

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting."

What did the pony say to the doctor when he had a sore throat?

I'm a little hoarse.

What did the doctor tell a welder when the welder asked if his girlfriend(a pilot) using alternative lube was giving him erectile dysfunction?

Jet fuel can't melt steel beams

How does an apple a day keep the doctor away?

When you take careful aim.

Why do computer teachers never get sick?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

What happened to you?

PATIENT:I am going to die in a minute. DOCTOR:wait I am coming with in five minutes.

What is the worst thing you want to hear from a doctor giving you a prostate exam?

Look ma, no hands!

What did the doctor say to the infertile Princess Bride?

Inconceivable!

Why couldn't The Doctor play baseball?

They couldn't figure out Who was on first (Sorry, if this has been submitted before, im new here)

Why is a doctor always calm?

He got a lot of patients

Why are doctors sued for malpractice at the beach?

Because they are judged by a jury of their piers.

Why are doctors always calm?

They have a lot of patients. Sorry.

What did the gentleman say to the doctor when he went to get his pus drained?

Please! I in cyst!

What does the Doctor say on a one-night stand going wrong?

It's bigger on the inside(http://www.youtube.com/watch v=6zXDo4dL7SU)

What is the cost of plastic surgery?

Doctor: It is near about 10,000$. Patient: Well, what if we arrange the plastic

What do you call a person who got straight "D's" in medical school?

A Doctor.

What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S?

WD-4D

What did the doctor say to the man who couldn't pee?

Urine trouble!

What doctors shop at Barnes and Noble?

Doctors without Borders. Credit to Max Scoville.

How much time do I have left, doctor?

Doctor: 10 Guy: 10 what! 10 days, 10 months, 10 years Doctor: 9...8...7...6...5...

Which doctor?

I replied "No, a medical one."

What did the doctor say to the Fonz when he got sick?

You need to take your vitamin Ayy.

When do doctors get angry?

When they run out of patients.

Why did the house go to the doctor?

It was having window panes.

What did the router say to the doctor?

It hurts when IP.

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Turn Jokes More Turn Jokes

Whats the best thing about duct tape?

It turns NO! NO! NO! into MMM MMM MMM

Who would you turn to face?

Be careful with whom you chose

Paint Jokes More Paint Jokes

How do you catch a green elephant?

Paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap.

What did the painting on the wall say to the cop?

I've been framed!

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

How many times did I tell you to make your bed?

Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!

What's the worst part of having a lung transplant?

Knowing that the first couple of times you cough that the phlegm isn't yours.

Shovel Jokes More Shovel Jokes

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma'am, that's a Shovel.

What do you call a man with a shovel stuck in his head?

An ambulance because that is a serious medical emergency that requires immediate attention.

Figure Jokes More Figure Jokes

What happens when a calculus teacher with one arm can't figure out a proof?

He gets stumped.

Why couldn't the choir director figure out whether Alison Brie was alto soprano?

Everytime he tried, he was told that she was young and that they tried not to sectionalise her.

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

How do you ask a tyrannosaur out to lunch?

Tea, Rex?

When my laptop asks "Are you sure?

It's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

Thing Jokes More Thing Jokes

Why is there no such thing as an epileptic exhibitionist?

Because flashing gives them seizures.

What kind of animal can record video?

A cam-el. Get it, because a camera records things and a camel is a animal.

Guy Jokes More Guy Jokes

What did the right testlcle say to the left?

Look at this guy in the middle trying to act all hard

What did one French Guy say to another French Guy?

Bonjour, je m'apelle Guy aussi!" ("Hello, I am called Guy as well!")