Soviet Jokes

Which is the most communist vegetable?

The soviet Onion

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How do Soviet prison mates greet each other?

Gulag to you too.

What do you say when a corrupt Soviet takes a bathroom break right before war?

Now you're just Stallin.

Why did Soviet dictator always drive an automatic transmission?

He was always Stalin in his manual!

What does a Russian use to wipe their mouth?

A soviet

Why are the Soviets Russian?

Because there's no Stalin.

What does a neckbeard tip his fedora to in Soviet Russia?

M'otherland

What does a soviet call someone with good vision?

Glasnots.

What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia?

Linen

What do you call the cook on a Soviet battleship?

The khrushchev

Why did the Soviet Union fail?

Too much Stalin'. Yeah it's bad but it made me giggle when I thought of it...

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Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

What do you get when you cross a lima bean with a Soviet?

A Lenintil...

How many Soviets does it take to change a light bulb?

None! In Soviet Russia, light bulb changes you!

Why did the Soviets decide to be Russian?

Cuz they got tired of Stalin.

What was Carl Sagan really trying to say about the brain?

In Soviet Russia, consciousness regulates the cerebral cortex.

Why didn't anyone drive stick in Soviet Russia?

They were afraid of Stalin.

What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?

I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War?

Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!

Which country has the most crying people per km?

The Soviet Onion

Why did the Soviets pull their missiles out?

Because they feared a premature ejectulation

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What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?

A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

Why do Soviets use lowercase letters?

Because they don't understand CAPitalism

What happens when the USSR gets back together?

A Soviet Reunion.

What is it with Russians and their track suits?

Because back in Soviet day, suit track you.

What do communists put in their soup?

Soviet Onions.

What happens when a soviet and a German have a child?

I don't know but he can conquer Poland really fast.

Why did the Soviets implement 5 year plans instead of 4 year plans?

Cuz they were stalin'!

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

Why did the soviet plane crash?

It was stalin

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Why did the Siamese Twins travel to England?

So the other one could drive

What did the pirate say about the steering wheel in his pants?

Arrg, it's driving me nuts!

Wipe Jokes More Wipe Jokes

Where did you learn to do that?

Don't wipe boogers on Mommy's pillow! Wipe it on Daddy's

Who will I share the sunset with now?

Sobs* Friend: Bad breakup Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn't working.

Fedora Jokes More Fedora Jokes

What do you get when you're bitten by a mosquito wearing a fedora?

M'laria

What OS does an atheist run on their computer?

Fedora. For Linux n00bs(https://getfedora.org/)

Fabric Jokes More Fabric Jokes

What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia?

Linen

What kind of fabric does Mario use?

Denim denim denim.

Mouth Jokes More Mouth Jokes

What is long, hard and leaves a warm, white, sticky substance in your mouth?

Toothbrush.

Why was the frog down in the mouth?

He was un hoppy!

Shoot Jokes More Shoot Jokes

Who Shot First? Boba Fett or Jango Fett?

Han Solo

What do cells say when their sister shoots their foot?

Mitosis

Stalin Jokes More Stalin Jokes

Why was WWI so short?

Because they were Russian... Why was WWII so long? They were Stalin...

Why does the communist party hate planes?

Because they're always Stalin

Change Jokes More Change Jokes

How many dead memes does it take to change a light bulb?

Over 9000.

What do you do if your computer hums?

Tell it to change its socsks!