Soviet Jokes

Which is the most communist vegetable?

The soviet Onion

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How do Soviet prison mates greet each other?

Gulag to you too.

What do you say when a corrupt Soviet takes a bathroom break right before war?

Now you're just Stallin.

Why did Soviet dictator always drive an automatic transmission?

He was always Stalin in his manual!

Why are the Soviets Russian?

Because there's no Stalin.

What does a soviet call someone with good vision?

Glasnots.

What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia?

Linen

What do you call the cook on a Soviet battleship?

The khrushchev

Why did the Soviet Union fail?

Too much Stalin'. Yeah it's bad but it made me giggle when I thought of it...

Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

What do you get when you cross a lima bean with a Soviet?

A Lenintil...

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How many Soviets does it take to change a light bulb?

None! In Soviet Russia, light bulb changes you!

Why did the Soviets decide to be Russian?

Cuz they got tired of Stalin.

What was Carl Sagan really trying to say about the brain?

In Soviet Russia, consciousness regulates the cerebral cortex.

What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?

I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War?

Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!

Which country has the most crying people per km?

The Soviet Onion

What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?

A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

Why do Soviets use lowercase letters?

Because they don't understand CAPitalism

What happens when the USSR gets back together?

A Soviet Reunion.

What is it with Russians and their track suits?

Because back in Soviet day, suit track you.

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What do communists put in their soup?

Soviet Onions.

Why did the Soviets implement 5 year plans instead of 4 year plans?

Cuz they were stalin'!

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

Why did the soviet plane crash?

It was stalin

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He just wasn't really Inuit...

What do you say when your ex has broken up with you?

Ill call you tomorow

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Why did Soviet dictator always drive an automatic transmission?

He was always Stalin in his manual!

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What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?

Tsardines!

Why couldn't Germany win a world war?

Because they'd Russia lot

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What's the definition of apathy?

I don't know, and I don't care.

What's the definition of a narrow squeak?

A thin mouse!

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Why did the soviet plane crash?

It was stalin

Why didint Stalin like his new IPhone?

It had a 5 year plan

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Why was the doctor in a hurry to move to the big city?

He was running out of patients.

What's brownish and runs on oil?

Jesus in a hurry.

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What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.

Why does John Snow wear a Rolex?

Because he's a man of the nice watch

Manual Jokes More Manual Jokes

Why do Americans get manuals when buying a new car?

I thought they only drive automatic

What did the man say when he couldn't get the gun to fire?

Looks like I'm gonna have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.