Pound Jokes

Why was Kim Kardashian arrested at the airport?

She had two pounds of crack in her knickers.

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Why does the town pound keep animals in separate cages?

Cause otherwise they'd be going to pound town.

What's the relationship between the pound, the dollar, and the ruble?

A pound of rubles is worth one dollar.

Why are shopaholics in the UK generally very skinny?

Because they are always losing pounds.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

About three pounds, including the urn.

Why are there so many dogs at the pound?

Because no one wants them.

Whats the difference between Taylor Swift and Adele?

About fifty pounds

How do dog catchers get paid?

By the Pound!

What's the quickest way to lose pounds?

The UK National Lottery!

How much does Nicki Minaj sell security devices for?

Pound an alarm

What's the difference between a baby and a pound of coke?

Eric Clapton would never drop a pound of coke.

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What do you call a man who loses pounds for a living?

A bad gambler

What's the difference between a lesbian and a sperm whale?

Fifty pounds and a flannel shirt.

What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?

Brexit

What is the fastest way to lose pounds?

Leave EU.

Why were the vets and pounds mad?

It was raining cats and dogs

What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?

Exit the European Union.

What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?

I don't know but you'd better hope he likes it!

What do you get if you cross a bee with a quarter of a pound of ground beef?

A humburger.

What does a pound, a dollar and rumble have in common?

For a dollar you can get a pound of rubles.

What happens when two dogs breed in a pound?

Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog.

Why is the new Brexit diet so popular?

All you gotta be is a little more than halfway into it and the pounds will start falling.

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?

Here Kitty kitty kitty'!

What's a dog's least favorite unit of measurement?

Pounds

What's the best way to lose some pounds?

Leave the EU.

What's the difference between a Pound and a Dollar?

A dollar

Who's there! Bette-lou! Bette-lou who?

Bette-lou a few pounds!

Why won't a woman sleep with you after a date at Burger King?

Because you have to court her before you pound her.

How does a dog catcher gets paid?

By the pound.

What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

About fifty pounds.

What do an anorexic girl and the UK have in common?

They both lose pounds really fast.

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Why do melons insist on having big weddings?

Because they just cantaloupe.

Why did the melons have a big wedding?

Well, they cantaloupe

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What does a pound, a dollar and rumble have in common?

For a dollar you can get a pound of rubles.

What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble?

A dollar.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a girls cross country team?

One is a group of cunning runts.

What's the difference between New York City and the Land of Mordor?

Two Towers.

Weigh Jokes More Weigh Jokes

Where do you go if you need to weigh a whale?

A whale-weigh station!

What did the chef say when he noticed his scales were broken?

No weigh...

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What's Jared from Subway's favorite chord?

A flat minor

Why does Jared love 6-inch subs?

He doesn't, he likes 14-year old girls

Relationship Jokes More Relationship Jokes

Why do mathematicians have a hard time moving on in relationships?

Because they're always trying to find the x. They don't know y, either.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?

A. Telling you his real name.

Follow Jokes More Follow Jokes

What did the German Shepherd say at his Nuremberg trial?

I was just following odors.

What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter?

The rogue one

Baby Jokes More Baby Jokes

What screams, wails, and lights up?

A bus-load of babies on fire.

What kind of bird does not make babies?

A swallow