Reply Jokes

When asked, 'Are you Twittering?

If I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

When one points and asks his friend, "Is that statue a foot?

To which his friend replies, "No, it's about four and a half feet."

Who slept with my wife?

And in the background someone replied "You ain't got enough bullets."

Why don't you play with your friends?

He asked. 'Because I only have one friend' the girl replied. 'And I hate her.'

Why did you do that?

I replied,"That's what you're supposed to do in soccer, right Kick balls "

How much is a dozen bananas?

Ampnbsp And the cashier replies: &ampnbsp -Twelve bananas

How does the chef prepare the chicken?

The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"

How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

How's your head?

Don't reply with "No man has ever complained."

Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?

But they don't stop long enough for you to reply!

What'll it be, love?

The woman replies, "I'll take a double entendre." So he gave it to her.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

What's the difference between this morning and your daughter...?

Slightly nsfw) His boss answers "I don't know." The employee replies "I'm not coming in this morning!"

This joke may have profanity.

What products do I use for grooming?

She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook."

What's a ten-letter word meaning 'supplying nourishment'?

Sherlock replied, "Alimentary, my dear Watson."

How can I buy the New York Times?

He replies "Ask my wife. She'll tell you how you do it.

What's the wheel for?

The pirate replies, "Arrr it's drivin me nuts!"

How much for 2 children?

She replied, "$9.50." "Awesome!" I said. "Do I get to choose or is it a lucky dip "

What does TTYL mean?

I replied, "Talk to you later". So she responded, "No! Talk to me now! What does it mean "

What have you been doing for it?

She replies, "Snorting pepper."

How much will that be?

Asks the neutron. "For you " replies the bartender, "no charge."

Whatever shall we do?

Let us spray!" replied the other.

Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?

Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."

How did you get here?

He asked. And the new angel replied "Flu..."

How do you get a woman to stop texting you?

Reply to her message within a minute

What I reply with when someone asks, "What'd the comment say?

Removed

Which one's yours?

I replied, "None of them... yet."

Why do you have a pear on your head?

He replies, "It's not a peach, it's a plum!"

Which doctor?

I replied "No, a medical one."

When my girlfriend asks "mom, what are you doing!?

I reply "Taxes."

Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A Kid replied: The legs... Because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING!!

What exactly is going on?

I asked. He replied, "A Major engineering feet."

What should I wear?

Mr. Salad asks. She replies, "It doesn't matter to me, just be well dressed."

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Ninja Jokes More Ninja Jokes

What do you get when you cross a pig with a ninja?

Pork Chop!

What does Bill Cosby and a ninja have in common?

You don't see either one coming.

Look Jokes More Look Jokes

Why is a sorority the safest place to be during a zombie apocalypse?

Because they're looking for braaaaaaaaaains

What do I look for in a girl?

Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

Man Jokes More Man Jokes

What do you call a man with a kilt over his head?

Scott!

What's the difference between a man and a woman?

A woman wants a man who can satisfy all her needs. A man wants all women who can satisfy his needs.

Waiter Jokes More Waiter Jokes

Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies?

Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter there's a Gorilla in my soup!'

What is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?

Waiter: Probably learning to read.

Adam Jokes More Adam Jokes

What is Adam's brother called?

Subtractem

What did Adam do when he wanted some sugar?

He raised Cain.

Moose Jokes More Moose Jokes

What gun do you use to hunt a moose?

A moosecut!

Why did the hunter scold his blonde wife after she shot a moose over quota?

Cause when he asked her why she shot it, she replied: "I asked it what it was before I shot. But that cow wasn't gonna fool me!"

Good Joke Jokes More Good Joke Jokes

Why are life long overweight people funny?

Growing up they hear the best jokes.

What's the best joke you ever heard?

For me, it's gotta be Emo Phillips' Baptist joke. Although to tell it you've gotta get his execution down.

Middle Jokes More Middle Jokes

What do Winnie the Pooh and Ivan the Terrible have in common?

The same middle name. (Shamelessly stolen from Cortana.)

Why did the opossum cross the road?

To get to the middle.