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Touch Jokes

Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?

He touched the beaker before it was cool.

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What goes above the water and below the water but doesn't touch the water?

An egg in a duck.

What is a Catholic choir boy's favorite song?

Can't Touch This

What do you call an astronaut that doesn't like being touched?

A personal space man

What time is bedtime at Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Why the turnout at Michael Jackson's funeral?

He touched a lot of people.

What do you call a guy who likes touching unripened cheese?

A fetaphile

What do you call a gangster who is really in touch with his emotions?

An emo-g

What do museums and girls have in common?

It is always look but don't touch.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies?

Disney movies can still touch children.

When is it time for bed at the Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

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What did David say when the tourist tried to touch him?

Don't touch my marbles.

What do they have in common?

Both of them can sniff "the goods" but no one can touch!

What will never be read in braille?

Do not touch.

How are asymptotes like women?

You can get close to it, but you can't touch it

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file.

How would you write do not touch in Braile?

A. With copper wire and strong electric current. (read it in a shower thoughts thread)

How do people usually feel after touching an electric fence?

Shocked.

What happens when Anthony Weiner tries to shake someones hand?

They think long and hard before they touch weiner.

What do Michael Jackson and Jimmy Savile have in common?

They touched some many lives

How can you tell when it's time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house?

When the big hand touches the little hand

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How do you know when it's midnight at Neverland Ranch?

The big hand touches the little hand.

Why can a T-Rex not touch his toes?

Because he's extinct

How about if I put a balloon over it?

Would you touch it then " -guy who invented condoms

What happens when skin touches skin, hair touches hair, and Balls Disappear?

You Blink Your Eyes.

What did the bear say to the judge?

I bearly touched her.

When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

Why did the nun call the Womens helpline?

Because she was touched by Jesus.

How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch?

The big hand's touching the little hand.

Why was Jesus a virgin when he died?

Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.

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Whats the world weakest animal?

A toad he croaks if you even touch him!

Why did they arrest Jared Fogle at 3:15?

That's when the big hand touches the little hand.

What is the scariest thing to read in braile?

Do not touch

Why are you letting people touch your new born?

I don't let people touch my new iPhone

What disease is most easily contracted by touching your hands together?

The clap.

What's the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille?

Danger: Do not touch

What's Jared Fogle's favorite time of day?

When the big hand touches the little one

What do you call a person who continues to touch up on something that is already perfect, and thus ruining whatever it was?

George Lucas.

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?

When your nose touches the ceiling!

What's the most frighting thing you can read in braille?

Do not touch.

When is it bedtime at the neverland ranch?

When the big hand touches the little one.

What actor touches every girl on set?

David Cop-a-feel

What happens when your scrotum touches the edge of the toilet bowl?

Ebowla.

What's up Dad Party!" *dads go nuts* "I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?

Dads in unison DON'T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

What does MC Hammer and antimatter have in common?

Can't touch this!

Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?

Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.

Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don't know what to do?

Husband: Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them....

What did the pirate say to the other pirate?

Don't touch my booty

What's the worst thing to read in Braille?

Don't touch this.

What do you call wood-smoothing equipment that's hot to the touch?

Bernie Sanders

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Because it had its in-de-pen-dance. I'm posting lots of really bad jokes tonight that just appear in my head, if just one person enjoys just one joke is worth it, good evening.

Why has Venus been so distant lately?

Mars answers "shes been under a lot of pressure and has really bad gas"

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What's the iPhone's favorite football team?

The Chargers.

What did Thin Lizzie do with his iPhone?

Jailbreak

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What did the guy with bad internet get?

Loading...

What was the last thing the snowboarder ever said?

Hey guys, watch this!

Bear Jokes More Bear Jokes

What's a bear's favorite fruit?

Tom (). Explanation: Bears are made up of atoms. Plug:

What has 3 thumbs and was born near a nuclear power plant?

This guy

Duck Jokes More Duck Jokes

What kind of beast is it you hear?

A duck.... with hiccups.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?

A bird that lays down!

Hair Jokes More Hair Jokes

Why do bald men cut holes in there pockets?

To run their hands through their hair

What did the blonde do after she combed her hair?

She pulled her pants up.

Astronaut Jokes More Astronaut Jokes

Why wasn't the astronaut paying attention?

Because he was spaced out.

What do you call a donut that is out of this world?

Astronaut-----

Like Jokes More Like Jokes

What vegetable likes to party?

A turn-up

Why did Jesus run off the airplane?

He didn't like the Pilate