Bottle Jokes

How do Russian sprinters train?

They put a bottle of vodka 100 meters away from them.

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What do you call it when two bottles of lotion start dating?

A re-lotion-ship.

How did the bottle of whiskey laugh?

Wryly.

What does an empty bottle of Champaign and an orphan have in common?

Nether of them have a pop.

What does an orphan and a bottle of champagne have in common?

They both lost their pop.

What's the biggest similarity between a bottle of Draino and a Danish stripper?

They both slowly remove clogs.

Why do pills bottles have cotton in them?

So they can remind black people the picked cotton before they sold drugs.

What's the difference between Tuna, a Piano, and a bottle of Glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!

What's the difference between an Irishman and a bottle of whiskey?

The whiskey usually doesn't get drunk until it's at least ten years old.

What about the two old ladies who brought a bottle of whiskey to the baseball game?

At the bottom of the fifth the bags were loaded.

What did the bottle of milk say to the Mexican?

Soy milk.

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What happens when you cross the band "The Knack" and a bottle of Corona?

A song called "My Corona"

What do you get when you combine a watch and a bottle of beer?

A really good watch.

What's better than breaking the seal on a bottle?

Breaking the seal on a rock.

What do you have when you got a bag of weed and a bottle of Jack Daniel's?

Jackpot!

What's worse than finding Astroglide on your Mom's shopping list?

Finding an empty bottle in the trash.

What do you call a bottle of glue in a spy's pocket?

A bonding agent.

Whats the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a bottle of glue?

Anyone can tuna piano, but nobody can piano a tuna!

Why do Polish people keep empty bottles in their refrigerator?

For people that don't want anything to drink

How do you react to the fragrance of a bottle of wine from the year 2000?

Smells like teen spirit.

What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous... A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

Who says you can't make someone love you?

I've got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.

How did you meet daddy?

Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion...

What can I do you for?

Woman: a bottle of wine and cab fare

What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel?

A bit of a shock really!

What's similar between you mom and a bottle of Tide detergent?

They can both take about 65 loads.

What do French people do when they don't have bottles of their favourite beverage?

They go to Cannes

What happened when the monster stole a bottle of perfume?

He was convicted of fragrancy.

Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?

Because it's soda pressing.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?

A sourpuss!

What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, and a bottle of scotch?

OC) A bottle of scotch can keep beyond 27 years.

Why was the bottle laying down?

Someone flipped it.

What did the cork say to the bottle?

If you don't behave yourself, I'll plug you.

What's in the bottle?

Me: "It's water." Cop: "This is wine." Me: "What! That Jesus! He did it again!"

What is printed on the bottom of a bottle in Michigan?

Found on /r/linux) A: Open the other end

What do you call a bottle of seltzer that lost all its bubbles?

Water...

Why don't you see blonde pharmacists?

They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!

What's the difference between alcoholism and a lobotomy?

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

How does a virgin pop her cherry?

By using a bottle opener

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Die Jokes More Die Jokes

Why did the butcher die?

Because he chopped off the wrong sausage.

Why did the grave keeper build a fence around the grave yard?

Cuz everyone was dying to get in.

Cat Jokes More Cat Jokes

What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.

Why do neckbeard dentists love Cats the musical?

Because m'cavity.

Black People Jokes More Black People Jokes

What's the difference between drunk people and black people?

Drunk people are found bars. Black people are found them.

Why don't black people get sunburns?

Prisons are indoors.

Surround Jokes More Surround Jokes

How are cats like empty wine bottles?

I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

Why did Holden Caulfield hate his job at Sprint?

He was surrounded by phone-ys!

Remind Jokes More Remind Jokes

Why is he crying?

Me: That's a teardrop tattoo. 5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison M: What 5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

What's your favourite colour?

I love green 'cos it reminds me of blue.

Nether Jokes More Nether Jokes

What does an empty bottle of Champaign and an orphan have in common?

Nether of them have a pop.

What do you call it when you build a second portal on minecraft?

Anether(another) Nether

Janice Joplin Jokes More Janice Joplin Jokes

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, and a bottle of scotch?

OC) A bottle of scotch can keep beyond 27 years.

What do John Belushi, Jim Morrison, John Candy, Jimi, Hendrix, and Janice Joplin have in common?

They all died Jung.

Vodka Jokes More Vodka Jokes

What is the difference between homeless and vodka?

Vodka does not freeze

Why didn't JFK ever like vodka?

Because he couldn't handle a few shots